Less than 2 weeks

With less than 2 weeks to go until I leave Cambodia and 3 until I arrive home, I am out of ideas for this blog. I may consider continue it next year during my Americorps adventures in Seattle, but I'm not sure. I'm looking forward to living my life a little more offline, when I can see more people face to face.

In case you didn't know, starting in September I will be living in Seattle and working for Americorps at an organization called ACRS. Americorps in the home-version of peace corps. Basically, I get a stipend (enough to live on, but not save much), health insurance, and a grant at the end to put toward my students loans (a very sweet deal, and I get to defer them for the service term). At ACRS, I will be helping Asian immigrants and refugees find jobs and prepare to take the citizenship test. The job will be a lot of teaching, which will be something totally new to me. I'm looking forward to having more face time with an organization's beneficiaries. I think I'm at my best when I'm working with people, not when I'm sitting behind a desk. And I will still get to work with Cambodians! I think its a great opportunity for continuity between this year with SALT and the year to come. All in all, this job is making for a more stress free transition. I am so grateful to have found something before I even get back. Now, I get the month of August to relax, adjust, and see people.

In my last entry, I made a list of random things I am looking forward to and all those still stand. I have to admit I am nearly constantly imagining that moment I come down the escalator to baggage claim in Seattle and the moment the plane leaves the ground here in Phnom Penh. Mostly, I just feel incredibly grateful for this experience. I feel like the most confident version of myself I have ever been. And I feel peace about coming home and enjoying being where my roots are for the time being.

And now, for whirlwind gift buying, goodbye parties, and packing. See you in Tacoma!

People

4 weeks to go and I'm busy buying gifts, wrapping up work stuff, checking things off of the "things to do before I go" list. My joy at the thought of being home is growing by leaps and bounds. Skype is becoming a less and less satisfying way of communicating with the people I love. Each moment with my host sisters is feeling more and more precious. Its a process of letting go and moving forward.

And of course, because this is me we are talking about, I've been pondering my fair share of deep thoughts. How did this year go by so fast? Has it really been a year since I've see all the people I love and rely on most? How have I changed? Will people see a difference? How should I say goodbye? Where am I headed? What will the future be like?

I think I most struck by how many absolutely wonderful people I have in my life, here and at home.

Here, I'm blessed with a host family, co-workers, and friends who love me, encourage me, put up with me, and laugh with me all the time. They will be hard to leave behind.

At home, I have great parents and family who are preparing to welcome me back. I have friends who have been in my life since elementary school and probably know me better than anyone besides my parents. I have friends who I met at Whitworth scattered all over the US now, but keeping in touch.

That's a lot of people. People who have changed me, loved me unconditionally, been an example to me, and argued with me when I needed to get over myself. I'm so, so grateful. It's an amazing blessing to know so many great people, now spanning two countries. So as I enter this time of transition, I'll be thinking of all of you. With you supporting me, how could I fail?

On a lighter note, here's 10 things I'm looking forward to besides people:
1) Driving my car again, who I am rechristening "Mabel" because she is getting along in years
2) Drinking a glass of milk- a lifelong daily habit that I have had to put on hold
3) Sleeping with a comforter, snuggling up in my bed
4) Sleeping in past 8am
5) Moving to Seattle!
6) Having an oven at home- eating food that isn't fried or boiled
7) Eating salad- uncooked veggies, yum
8) Wearing jeans
9) Wearing jackets/sweaters- being cold in general
10) Having the ability to wear my hair down without it being disgustingly sweaty by the end of the day

Reverse Culture Shock

6 weeks. Only 6 weeks until I leave Cambodia, 7 or so until I arrive home.

So, I'm thinking about coming home. The process of coming home. Because its not just stepping on a plane, traveling a grueling 30 hours, and stepping off in the good ol' US of A. Its a much more psychological, symbolic journey than that. Just like leaving home was. Here's what I know:

- In September, I'll be moving to Seattle with my good friend Amanda and several of her friends. We'll have a lovely house and hopefully I'll have a lovely job to pay for it.
- I'm excited to see friends and family again. And to know all the social cues in any given situation. And to speak the main language of the place where I live fluently. For some parts of life to be just a little bit easier.
- I'm nervous about finding a job, re-establishing relationships, and going through a period of transition.
- I'll miss Cambodia. A lot. Last night was the first time I realized just how sad I will be to leave here. To leave people here. To leave all the laughter and friendships and adventures behind.

Everyone knows that when you move to a new country, you usually experience culture shock. There's the beginning honeymoon phase of wide eyes, the following crash of missing home and being confused, and the eventual adjustment to a new way of living and thinking. And the various ups and downs that follow. Most people would be surprised to hear that, according the experts, the same thing happens when you return to your home country- Reverse Culture Shock. You would think that everything about returning home is easy- familiar people, food, language, etc. But the thing is, your life in a new country changed you. In ways you can't even quantify. And home looks different. Some people say that re-entry is actually a much longer process than moving to a new place. Typical side effects include: being increasingly negative about your home country and forgetting positive things about being home, being increasingly positive about the country you lived in and forgetting the negative things about living there, taking all this out on people at home,withdrawing, being overly emotional, etc. Your best weapon is recognizing that this is all going on. It happens to everyone and it seems the best thing you can do is give yourself some grace and get through it. Know you're not crazy for wanting to go overseas again.

So basically, what I am saying is- I'm warning you. I don't know how much all of this will effect me or if it will be really noticeable. But I do know that I feel somewhat disconnected to life at home. Not from the people I love, but from the me I was before I left. And I can't figure out why. I can't label what has changed about me, but I expect it will become more clear after I come home. I'm not sure how I will be the new me back in my original context. So I promise- I love you all, I'm dying to see you, I want to be home again- but I might be a little crazy for a few weeks. Thanks for the grace. According to one book, the best thing friends and family can do is to just listen while I complain and pass me another bowl of ice cream. Good advice I think ; )

My Birthday

My marked the beginning of my 23rd year with a few celebrations:

- Lunch out with MCC staff on my actual birthday. Delicious hamburgers. Yum.

- Birthday cake made by my coworker and friend Grace. And it was chocolate. Yum.

- Joint birthday party with my host sister Phealy who turned 20 on the 25th. We invited all our friends, foreigner and Khmer, to celebrate with cross cultural food and a boat cruise on the Mekong. It was so fun- despite weather keeping us at the dock for have the allotted time. Oh well. The party was a great meshing together of my two circles in Cambodia- MCC and my host family connections. I wanted to make an American birthday cake for the occasion and as my friend pointed out, a cake from a box is the most American cake I could make. I've never seen people be so thrilled about a cake out of box. People who first shied away from piece, ate happily after I mentioned the box. Who would have thought expats could miss packaged food so much?

- An hilarious music video posted on my facebook made by two great friends from home. It made me unstoppably happy.

- And finally, gifts and cards mailed from home in advance from my parents, grandparents, and brother and sister-in-law.

A lovely birthday indeed.

In other news, I will be leaving Cambodia in 7 weeks. Unbelievable. I think all of the SALTers have slipped into going home soon mode, buying gifts and talking about re-entry. I'm applying for jobs so keep me in your prayers. Here's to a great last few weeks!

Nevers and Firsts

Nevers:
This year I have never:
1) Worn mascara
2) Used Pandora to listen to music (US only- boo)
3) Driven a car
4) Eaten my favorite foods that my mom cooks- macaroni salad, balsamic chicken, salmon . . .
5) Watched a movie musical - though I did see a play musical and Glee makes weekly appearances in my life
6) Sunk into a couch- you know that feeling when a couch is so comfortable. Aww. Furniture here is hard or non-existent. Even a slightly fluffy couch brings joy.
7) Been somewhere that has carpet
8) Blow dried my hair
9) Made a silly video with my friends
10) Worn a tank top outside of the house (except for a few dresses while on vacation)

Firsts:
This year, for the first time, I
1) Ate a cricket, a spider leg, lobster, egg with duck fetus inside, pizza with seafood on top, insect larvae, and eel. (okay, okay, delicious, gross, okay, gross, tastes like chicken but with bones like fish)
2) Took a bucket shower
3) Wrote a real life research proposal
4) Had a professional massage
5) Wore the traditional clothes of another culture
6) Went to an international conference about peacebuilding
7) Sang karaoke in a public place
8) Learned to like Korean pop music
9) Had whole conversations in a foreign language
10) Wore fake eyelashes

Lists

(Christine I promise I will try to stop stealing your blog ideas!)

Things I still need to take pictures of:
1) Tuk Tuk
2) Me wearing my helmet
3) Independence Monument/sites in Phnom Penh
4) Markets
5) Streets in Phnom Penh
6) All my friends

Things I still need to see/do:
1) Go to Brown, my expat friends favorite coffee shop
2) Visit all the NGO social enterprises selling cool gifts/souvenirs
3) Buy fabric and have professional clothes made for cheap
4) Have another cheap, amazing massage because I will never be willing to spend $100 on a massage in the States
5) Cruise the waterfront at night a few more times
6) Eat my weight in mangoes, rambutin, watermelon, papaya, and dragon fruit
7) Get a good enough tan to make people at home jealous
8) Purchase earrings for SALT earring exchange. Do not put this off til the last minute
9) Plenty of quality time with my host sisters
10) Drink many $2 fancy coffees, eat many $1.25 delicious desserts, enjoy the fact that a $5 meal out is an expensive meal
11) Participate in roadside aerobics/dance class
12) Hold MCC baby, Cedar, a lot
13) Go dancing with host sisters again
14) Figure out how to take home more than I brought but still use only one suitcase

Things to think about:
1) Going home- what does that mean? What are my expectations? (That I probably should drop. The #1 characteristic of a good overseas worker is low expectations)
2) Must find job.
3) How to I sum up this experience for others? All the difficult and wonderful things about being here. All the many sides of what Cambodia is - post-conflict, stable, poor, wealthy, urban, rural, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, developing and underdeveloped.
4) Accept that I will be in transition for awhile. Its okay. Its not forever.
5) Will I miss rice?

The Beginning of Thinking about Coming Home

Excerpt from The Two Gretels by Robin Morgan

The two Gretels were exploring the forest.
Hansel was home,
sending up flares.

Sometimes one Gretel got afraid.
She said to the other Gretel,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Gretel replied.

Sometimes the other Gretel whispered,
with a shiver,
"You think we should turn back?"
To which her sister Gretel answered,
"We can't. We forgot the breadcrumbs."

So, they went forward
because
they simply couldn't imagine the way back.


Words of Institution

On the night before he was killed,
Jesus was having dinner with his friends.
Things in Rome and Jerusalem were pretty dicey,
and his friends were afraid.

Peter said to Jesus,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Jesus replied.

Mary Magdalene took the bread and whispered,
with a shiver,
"Do you think we should drop the crumbs,
so we can find our way back?"
To which Jesus answered,
"We can't. We need bread for the journey forward."

With that, he took the breadcrumbs, gave thanks,
and shared them with his friends.
"These breadcrumbs will help you find your way," he said.
"Eat them, all of you. They will make you strong and wise."

Then he took the cup, gave thanks,
and shared it with his friends.
"This is the cup of life," he told them.
"Drink of it, all of you;
it will help you to go forward,
to discover who God has created you to be."

And they did.
Jesus and his friends ate and drank and went forward together,
despite their fears,
because they simply couldn't imagine the way back.



Credit goes to Christine Barker's blog for this one. I will be different. You will be different. Our relationships will be different. But I'm looking forward to reuniting and building something new.

MCC Cambodia

Some of the reasons why I'm grateful for the MCC Cambodia Team:

• We have been thrown together because of work, but we get along really well.
  
• Long lunch time discussions about politics
• Whenever any one has an event- birthday party, baby dedication, family visiting- we turn out en mass.
• People that were here before me invited me warmly into their social circle, even offering me their friends as my friends.
• We can laugh together
• We celebrate holidays together and it is fun enough to ward of homesickness most of the time.
• We all seem to be almost always welcome at each other's houses.
  
• All of the moto drivers among them have given me countless rides and always make sure I get home safe if its after dark.
• Some of them have an adorable baby that I like a lot.
  
• We can vent together
• And finally, we are a pretty tight knit community overall. I know I can count on each of them.
  

Koh Kong

Two weekend ago I spent 2 nights in Koh Kong province with my host sister Phealy and her friend Mouy. We had plans to go to Kampong Som, the main beach town, but at the last minute we changed to Koh Kong, a beach town closer to Thailand. And it was

Gorgeous.

I mean green trees, rolling hills (Cambodia is very, very flat), cooler weather, pristine beaches, and red, red earth. (Pictures on Facebook!)

Here's the highlights:

• Vacationing with my host sister. We have so much fun together and it was great to break up the routine.
• Visiting Safariworld- zoo meets Seaworld type shows meets the developing world. Quite impressive for Cambodia. Highlights of this include a tiger jumping through a ring of fire, Phealy going on stage and getting kissed by a dolphin, and seeing a guy put his head in a crocodile's mouth.
• Swimming in a very pretty river
• Swimming at a pristine, warm ocean beach
• Watching the TV in our hotel room catch on fire. Scary at the time, hilarious and random now
• Visiting a mangrove tree forest
• Driving around the countryside on a motorbike (only as a passenger!)
• Posing for a million pictures
• Watching 2 gorgeous sunsets

Who I Want to Be

Sometimes I feel the need to write a damn-it-all-to-hell, I will survive poem.

These usually aren't my best days. Days spent vainly searching for inspirational quotes on the internet and wondering how much I can talk to other people without appearing too needy. Days where I feel overwhelmed by my emotions and disconnected from my real self. Days where my living-overseas-vulnerability catches up with me and blows things out of proportion.

But sometimes I need to declare I will make it- if only for me to hear.

Do you hear me World? I will make it.
I'm stronger than you think.
I'm worth more than you think. . . And more than I sometimes think.
I won't settle for less than I am worth.
I won't see my dreams forgotten or laid aside.
I refuse to leave behind my ideals.
World- I won't listen to your expectations- career, husband, house, security.
Money- I won't be deceived by your promises.
Cynicism- I won't give into your bitterness.

Cynicism, bitterness, resignation, passivity - they are the easy way out.
Its easier to give up than it is to dream.
Its easier to complain than it is to make change.
Its easier to float through life than it is to make a stand.
Its easier to resign yourself to how life beats you down than it is to have faith in the face of all odds.

No--

I choose to cling to good thoughts, to hope, to dreams.
I will surround myself with inspiring people, people who remind me to run my race with passion, not complacency.
I will live my life with purpose.

I may be fragile, I may be young, but I have strength you don't know about.
Strength that had changed lives, healed hearts, raised the dead, and saved us all.

I will stumble, but I will recover.
I will lose faith, but I will be restored in love.
I will make mistakes, but there is always grace.
I will accept the consequences of my decisions, because they are my choices to make.
I will long for security, but I will learn to find in the only place it really exists- in Christ.


And I will keep going forward, because fear will not control my life.
I am a new creation.

Updates

My thoughts feel a bit scattered this week, so I'm going for bullet points this time around:

• I spent this week in Pre Veng Town- a provincial capital 2 hours from Phnom Penh and the location of MCC's other office in Cambodia. 4 other expats work out there. The 4 SALTers and Kirstin (who I lovingly refer to as our handler, but who is really the coordinator for our program here in Cambodia and the person who makes sure we get to do extra cool stuff without us having to plan it - a very wonderful situation for us) headed out to Pre Veng for a week of visiting MCC partners. Most of the partners in Pre Veng work in agriculture or education. I learned a lot and it was fun to see a totally different sector of MCC's work here besides my normal realm of peace. Plus we visited a few villages to see the partner's work. 'What is good development?' conversations abounded.
  

• I was also in Pre Veng for Easter. The 4 SALTers, the 2 Pre Veng couples, and Kirstin and her husband Daron joined together to celebrate by singing out of the Mennonite hymnal, eating a delicious meal that included cookie dough cheesecake, attempting a ridiculously hard puzzle that was shaped like a wolf, and playing big group games like 4 on the couch. Great holiday.
  

• Visiting Pre Veng is always (this was my third trip) refreshing for the soul- good people, good conversations, laughter, reading my Bible over coffee on the deck, quiet nights, stillness, not being on a computer for a few days, and usually devouring a whole novel. It was so good to socialize with the MCC Pre Vengers and take advantage of their wonderful hospitality.
  

• Last week, I officially passed the been here 8 months mark and the leaving in 3 months mark. Very very strange feeling. I feel torn between being so excited about coming home, fearing what the future holds, and realizing how much I am going to miss it here. Despite all the cross cultural challenges, identity crises, and irritations of this year, Cambodia has seeped into my bones. I can't speak the language, I know only a small circle of people, but I have this sense Cambodia will always be with me. I'm so glad I've had this experience. The next challenge will be not checking out too early and really being here for these 3 months I have left.
  

• In addition to that last point, I am already anticipating how many times I will be asked 'what did you learn? how did you grow?' when I get home. All I can think now is that the answer isn't so simple. Some days I feel confident in saying 'oh I learned to get over my insecurities' and other days those same insecurities are back to bite my heels. Some days I have grand things to say about the beauty of cross cultural relationships and other days I'm far too impatient with cultural differences. This whole year has been a work in progress. Maybe the lessons will be clearer as time goes by, but what I know right now is that this was a year in my life. I learned new things and faced new challenges, just like any other year. I just happened to be blessed with the opportunity to live on the other side of the world. And it has been good. It has been full of laughter, tears, growing, seeing cool things, eating new foods, making a fool of myself, building friendships, learning about who I am and who I want to be, trying to be me in a new context, giving myself grace, and discovering I'm never going to arrive at a put-together life. Who will I be because of this experience? How has it changed me and my future? I don't know, but I know its change for the better.
  

• Finally, though it seems like so many of these posts are about my various identity crises, I seem to be having another one. Someone recently reminded me that I'm still vulnerable and that my emotions are still turned up a notch even after eight months- and that this is normal. So I'm going to give myself some grace and simply say I'm a work in progress. Here's the questions I have been asking lately:

- Is there hope at the end of the tunnel for developing countries? Will Cambodia ever be developed?
- Why do I still care what people think of me? Why do people's perceptions matter so much to me? I don't want to be judged, but I surely judge others.
- Why don't I trust that people love me? I trust sometimes, but its not consistent. I struggle with this, but I still share who I am with people so easily. How do I do that if I have this fear that I will get rejected? It doesn't seem to stop me. That sharing deeply with others so deeply, it feels like the core of who I am, like nothing could really stop me from being myself.
- What's going to happen next year? What if I can't get a job? What if I don't have a safety net?
- What if the future doesn't work out how I have planned?

Big questions. Very few answers. A lot of grace and good friends and good novels. The best advice I've gotten recently is that there is no stage in life where suddenly you have security. We think other people have security, but really they don't. The grass is not only always greener, its artificial. Only through faith can we know that in the end, things work out. Such is life. For now, live in the present.

PS I am going to the beach tomorrow. I love tropical countries.

Khmer New Year Part 2

So I went to the province. . . and it was AWESOME. I spent 5 days and 4 nights in Kampong Thom province, about 3 hours north of Phnom Penh. We stayed with a sister in a village that grows cashews, in the provincial capital with my host mom, and in another village with an aunt. Life in the province and life in Phnom Penh are so different they could be different countries. We did a ton of stuff, met a ton of relatives, and took a ton of photos. (See facebook, coming soon) Here are the highlights:

• Visiting some really hold temples- 600 years older than Angkor Wat (About 1500 or 1600 years old)
• Taking a bath outside, wrapped in a sarong, from a well, with my 3 sisters
• Meeting about a million relatives- families here are BIG
• Staying in a village and experiencing village life- traditional style house, cows, chickens, hammocks, quietness- it improved my understanding of Cambodian culture a lot
  
• Visiting the most sacred site in Cambodia for Buddhists- a mountain with a temple on top containing one of the Buddha's bones
• Playing endless games of the Cambodian version of BINGO (We played for 500 riel a round- I lost 4500 riel- not very lucky I guess!)
• Bonding more with my host sisters. This was the longest uninterrupted time I have spent with them.
• Drinking a coconut that I watched get knocked out of a tree
• Delicious food + no stomach issues
• Eating a fruit that is only harvested at Khmer New Year, only in Kampong Thom province. It tasted like a sour apricot.

The only cons were about 40 mosquito bites and wishing I could speak the language better.

It was truly a privilege to experience this holiday with my sisters. I am so grateful they shared their family with me. And that they consider me- the awkward, bad Khmer speaking foreigner, a member of that family.

Khmer New Year Part 1

Susedie Chnam Tmai!
Happy New Year!

This week is Khmer New Year, possibly the biggest holiday of the year here in Cambodia. This is my third new years for this year- international and Chinese have already passed, both of which are celebrated here too. But this one, Cambodia's new years, in the most important. Tomorrow I leave for my host families' home province to celebrate for 5 days. The holiday is technically the 14, 15, and 16th. Phnom Penh empties and everyone who can afford it goes home to their village and family. People buy gifts for their older relatives. There are traditional games and foods. The whole country rests and laughs and celebrates. (This is actually also Thai and Lao New Year too) Now, I know more about all of the traditions in a few days when I return from the province, so this post is about the build up to new years.

It feels like Christmastime- well not the cold weather or the trees or the baking or the decorations- but the spirit of Christmas. Everyone is in a good mood and pretty relaxed. People are traveling to spend time with their families. Gifts are being bought. Games will be played. Schools are closed for 2 weeks. People have time off of work. There are parties at every workplace. People get bonuses. This is Cambodia's holiday season. And I love it. The vibe of the city right now is so pleasant and joyful. My pre-khmer new year activities have thus far included:

- A party at Peace Bridges, my partner organization including traditional dancing and games and delicious barbequed seafood
- Dinner out with my sisters and one of their friends
- Going out traditional dancing at a club
- A few extra trips out to do fun stuff around the city thanks to my family's new years bonuses

Overall, its been lovely so far. Can't wait to see what lies ahead in the province starting tomorrow!

Advice

Advice from my host sister:

Me: This week I just feel sad.
Sister: Are you homesick?
Me: No, I'm afraid that when I go home, everything will be different and I will be the same.
Sister: Don't worry about tomorrow.
Me: Its hard for me to trust that God has a plan for me.
Sister: When we trust God, he always provides for us. When we don't trust God and pretend like we don't need him, he only answers in a small way. We didn't really ask him for help. When we trust him with everything, when we need him, his answer is big and amazing.

I have a lot of dreams and expectations for next year. I'm afraid of the expectations people may have on me. Someone told me recently that your first year out of college is always hard, no matter where you are, because you have to face real life- all its possibilities good and bad. My sister's advice reminds me that although life is complicated, faith is simple. Faith is simple even when we don't have our lives all planned and when our faith isn't always strong. We were made for simplicity- knowing God and being ourselves. Lesson #3984 learned in Cambodia: Don't over think it. We've been given grace. Don't worry about tomorrow.


Also- I now have plane tickets from Phnom Penh to Pennsylvania for my re-entry retreat with MCC and from PA to home. I arrive home on July 26th. Time to finish strong and then come home to all the people and things I love and who love me : )

Khmer Rouge Tribunal

Yesterday, I watched part of the ongoing, UN sponsored Khmer Rouge Tribunal. Basically, just before the final surrender of the KR in 1998, Cambodia asked the UN to help it find a way to try high ranking KR officials. After years of debate about what the court should look like, the tribunal opened in 2007. Its unique in that its actually taking place in Cambodia and that its a joint project between Cambodia and the UN. There are Cambodian and foreign judges, defenders, and prosecutors. Its purpose is to try the highest ranking members of the KR. Pol Pot, the leader, died in 1998, so he can't be prosecuted. Its completely unreasonable to try regular soldiers or supporters because that is a lot of people who have re-entered Cambodian society as productive citizens. (Also, many of these people only joined the KR to protect the lives of their own families) The goal of the tribunal is to try to bring about justice for the victims' families and bring some closure for the whole nation. So far 5 people have been accused before the tribunal. Only 1 trial has been completed, in which the man in charge of the main torture center was found guilty and sentenced to 30 years in prison (life is prison is the worst sentence possible because the death penalty in unconstitutional in Cambodia- one area where they have us beat- plus all the people are quite old already anyway). We went to see part of this man's appeal. Although he confessed during the trial and expressed remorse, he still pleaded not guilty. Now he is appealing saying that he was not a high ranking official and was just following orders to avoid the killing of his own family and therefore does not fall under the mandate of the court.

What we saw was quite boring, court mumbo jumbo, but the whole idea of the trials is interesting. They feel like a strange imposition of Western ways on Cambodia. In the west, we say remember bad things that happen so they don't happen again. In Cambodia, some agree with this but many would say don't talk about bad things or else they will happen again. But there has to be some kind of justice, some kind of trial, doesn't there?

Also, what is justice in this case anyway? The killing fields were 30 years ago. The people being prosecuted are in their 70s and 80s and no one except for the first man has shown any remorse at all. In my opinion, the bulk of Cambodians aren't paying too close of attention to the trials anyway. Sitting in that courtroom, it didn't feel like justice in action. It felt like mankind's attempt to maintain an equilibrium in the world. You do bad things, bad things happen to you. We have to believe that's true or else we'd go crazy. So maybe we need to create that sense of control, even if its shallow- simply because life has to go on. I don't know. They are very big questions with no answers but very interesting to think about.

Thailand!

Last week, I spent 4 days or so in Bangkok, Thailand. One other SALTer in Cambodia, LynAnne, and I met up with a SALTer in Laos, Whitney. This was a crazy last minute planned trip, totally southeast asia style, and we went in with our only expectation being 'Starbucks please.' And like all last minute planned things in SE Asia, it worked out pretty dang well. Here are the high lights:

• Street food- very different than the stuff you see in Cambodia. I loved the custard cups, fresh squeezed orange juice, burrito (I know, I don't think it was actually Thai lol), and grilled chicken.
  
• Great conversations with LynAnne and Whitney comparing experiences, joys and frustrations. It felt like our own mini mid year retreat. I feel very refreshed to return to my life in Cambodia for the remaining 4 ish months.
• Grand Palace- one word: Sparkly
• Reclining Buddha- 40 meters of giant, golden, Buddha-ness. The most impressive Buddha I've seen this year- and I've seen quite a lot
• The joy of being in malls again. Phnom Penh has two, but the ones in Bangkok are nicer than any I've ever been to in the States. Think Gucci, Versace, Burberry- nothing we could afford in there!
• Seeing Andy and Lana, our regional MCC reps, and their new arrival, Aaron. They had been in town for the birth and headed back to Cambodia a day before us. So, we were officially the first to see him on the MCC team. : ) Very cute.
• Seeing a movie in a movie theater- even if it was a depressing European movie
• Visiting a floating market- a market on two sides of a river, with some people selling food right off their boats.
  
• A boat trip on the Mekong at night to see fireflies- 1000s of them
• And of course, Starbucks- twice. Yum.
  

One other thought- we discovered a funny and sometimes frustrating phenomenon in Bangkok (I like to call it the Bangkok Tourist Conspiracy). There's this scam where while you are happily walking down the street to your destination with your map, a nice Thai person strikes up a conversation. Where are you going? The Grand Palace. Oh its closed this morning. (a tuk tuk happens to pull up alongside you). You should take this tuk tuk to see the standing Buddha. Its free today, but it usually costs money. You really should go. I'll negotiate the price with this tuk tuk for you. And in you get, only to discover that the Grand Palace isn't closed, the standing Buddha is always free, and that really wasn't a nice man at all but a guy who knew you were an easy target and was in cahoots with the tuk tuk driver. We fell for the scheme once, seeing not the standing Buddha but another pagoda. We then realized this happens all the time. We must have been told the Grand Palace and other attractions were closed and we should go to the standing Buddha by at least 6 people over the course of the few days- totally random people, including one in a totally fake tourist police costume. I couldn't believe it! We quickly learned to ignore tuk tuk drivers completely. The high light is its now a running joke that our experience in Bangkok wasn't really complete because we didn't see the standing Buddha! ha!

Bangkok was great, a massive, cosmopolitan megopolis. But, I'm glad to be back in Phnom Penh, my home away from home. Its amazing how much speaking the language even a little makes life easier. I'm suddenly more grateful for Phnom Penh's negotiable traffic, friendly people, more laid back pace. This year may be ruining my ability to be just a tourist. But, its good to be reminded how much I love this place- and I have less than 4 months to go! Crazy

The Host Family Experience

Looking back, I've mentioned and praised my host family on this blog numerous times. I've told you their names, my initial fears, and how much I love them now. I thought I would use this post to expand a little bit on what it means to live with a host family. The 60 SALTers spread out around the world are having a wide variety of experiences. Some are living with other foreigners for securities sake, some are living with ethnic minorities, some have host parents, some have only host siblings like me, some are living with fellow Christians and some are not, and its inevitable that some aren't in love with their host family experience. Host families seem to be one of the main things that cause new SALTers worry. Will I be able to communicate? Will they like me? Will I be uncomfortable all the time?

My host family experience has been down right fantastic. Sure, I have moments of uncomfortable-ness and awkwardness, but the relationships I have with my 3 host sisters have real depth and are truly rewarding. They also serve as the best gatekeepers into Cambodian culture and relationships with other Cambodians. I get to do and see so many things with them that I never could otherwise. I've been completely convinced that every overseas worker should at least do a home stay because the experience is vital. So here's a few facts I've learned about life with host families:

1) Expect to be nervous and awkward at first. Expect 6 weeks of it being exhausting to be at home, of it not feeling like home.

2)Expect to be at work on a Friday on week 7 or 8 and suddenly realize that you actually want to go home, that home sounds relaxing- BREAKTHROUGH

3) Expect to have all the out of town relatives come into town just to meet you

4) Even though its hard at the beginning, force yourself to hang out with your family- those hours will pay off later when you don't need to force yourself anymore

5) Give yourself space- its okay to leave the house on a saturday if you're starting to get restless or homesick

6) Enjoy unexpected things in common- for me a love of going dancing

7) Enjoy the fact that relationships can happen even when communication is limited by a language barrier

8) Savor the moments you know you are a part of the family- for me when your sister says 'you love all the things we love' and 'it would have been more fun if you were there' and being trusted with the history of the family, good and bad.

9) Realize how we are all the same- like when my sister says 'hurry up Nicole, American Idol is on' or when we all pray together

10) Enjoy how we are all different- like when you can't quite understand why no one plans anything in advance ever, but you just kind of go with it all the time and learn to love the unexpected fun things that happen

I'm so grateful my host family experience has been positive. This would have been such a different year if I hadn't felt so loved and wanted in my temporary home.

The next new experience I will share them- going to their home province for Khmer New Year in mid-April : )

2 nights in Battambang

Battambang, Battambang, Battambang - roles off the tongue doesn't it?

Battambang is the provincial capital of Battambang province in northwest Cambodia close to the Thai border. My fellow MCCer, Grace, and I decided to spend two nights there because we were already headed in that direction for a MCC staff retreat last weekend. The retreat was in Siem Riep and was good but no new interesting stories since it was my fourth trip there. (except for maybe a beautiful, handmade silk scarf for 20 bucks)

So last Monday, Grace and I hopped a bus to Battambang, checked into an $8 a night guesthouse, and had good khmer food and delicious smoothies (or fruit shakes as they are known here) for dinner. Battambang is the third largest city in Cambodia, maybe about 100,000 people, but I would still categorize it as a sleepy little town. We quickly realized that there were more foreigners in Battambang than we expected- but they were all hardcore backpackers. Battambang is a little off the beaten trail for regular tourists. Along with this realization, we acknowledged that we are in fact, not cool enough, or dirty enough, to be backpackers. But we can speak some Khmer, which ups our cool factor by like 10. So, we composed this haiku in honor of the Battambang backpackers:

Hardcore backpackers
always scuzzy, always cheap
is this really fun?

We spent our one full day in Battambang on a countryside tour with Mr. Tin Tin, a guide recommended by another MCCer. Tin Tin is a french children's book character that you see around Cambodia on T-shirts. (Which ofcourse Mr. Tin Tin was wearing to complete his look) First stop, the bamboo train. There's a rail line from Phnom Penh, through Battambang, to the Thai border made by the French in the 1930s. However, a lot of it is damaged now, so the line isn't in use. This situation gave birth to bamboo trains- carts made out of bamboo on train wheels that can be removed the tracks simply by lifting them- ie a cheap mode of transportation and a tourist attraction simultaneously. So after paying 5 bucks, we hopped on the bamboo train for a quick jaunt to the next station. It feels something like flying and something like you are about to derail at any moment. So fun. On our return trip however, the heavens opened up and it poured. I mean poured. There is no roof in a flat cart. Now, rainy season in Cambodia is from July-ish to November. It is not suppose to rain at all for another 4 months! So we were surprised, and soaked, and laughing hysterically. Very memorable.

The rest of the morning was spent touring through villages. We saw people making rice noodles, rice paper, fish paste, and sticky rice desserts. (umm, you can do a lot of stuff with rice) We saw a pre-French Buddhist temple (a wat) that was used as a prison under the Khmer Rouge and is now a site of mass graves. (the Khmer Rouge attempted to stop all religious practice in Cambodia and many wats were desecrated) Also, while we were driving we passed a group of boys on bikes. They all called out hello to us- the English word every Cambodian learns at birth. But, one boy yells out "hello! you won the world cup!" Now, Grace just happened to be wearing a World Cup T-shirt so we just cracked up. Was this the only English he knew or did he see the shirt? Who knows! Then, we had lunch at a very not-touristy restaurant in our own little hut overlooking the river.

In the afternoon we headed to Wat Banan- a temple dating back about 1000 years. Cambodia has more ancient temples than any other country. We climbed 380 steps to get to the top of the 'mountain' where the temple was. I say 'mountain' because Cambodia is very, very flat and any hill qualifies as a mountain here. In fact, Phnom, as in Phnom Penh, means mountain. If you know me at all , you know it was a feat for me to make it up and down those stairs without giving into vertigo. Grace was very patient with my progress! The temple was lovely and the view was nice.

We headed back to PP on an early bus the next morning. All in all, a very wonderful trip.

Oh yes, one last haiku written by Grace and I on the first day of our trip:

Battambang haiku
we want to see bamboo trains
tin tin tin tin TIN

Idealism vs. Cynicism

A professor once warned me that after college, if you don't stay in touch with other like minded people, your idealism and goals to change the world will fade away. I'm sure this true, we were made to thrive in community. For me, the idealism vs. cynicism question is turning out to be a huge conundrum in this first year of "real life" after college. Since I came to Cambodia, I've probably spent more time following world news than ever before. I have the time and I do feel more plugged into what's going on in the rest of the world outside of my American bubble. And the news has been both inspiring and depressing with headlines about-

• The mostly peaceful overthrow of dictators in Egypt and Tunisia and widespread unrest against authoritarian governments throughout the Middle East and North Africa
• A US government that might shut down because no one can agree on a budget
• Natural disasters in Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia. . .
• Protesting in Wisconsin about labor rights
• Border clashes between Cambodia and Thailand with colonial roots
• Backlash against immigrants in Europe

And the list goes on and on. Some things have given me great hope and shown the best of what people can be. Nonviolent protests succeeding in toppling corrupt regimes. Christian protesters protecting Muslim protesters while they pray. People coming together to clean up after natural disasters. Americans being inspired by Egyptians to protect their labor unions.

Other things make me cynical- European nations tightening their immigration laws and unable to hide the racism behind this change. Cambodia and Thailand clashing over an ancient temple whose ownership is contested because of how the French drew the border lines while they were in power here. Violence overtaking Libya. The constant spend more and increase the debt or make cuts that hurt the poor battle in the US.

So I've already discovered that being an idealist is not the easiest task is this world. But here's why I don't want to give up: I have always believed we live in a fallen, broken world where crappy things happen. I have known that people hurt each other- globally and inter-personally. But, I have also seen how great people and life can be when we cast off our selfishness and cynicism and just take the risk of holding onto hope. One person's actions can't change a corrupt government or feed all the hungry and make national debt disappear-- but one person can love and encourage his or her circle of influence. One person can make decisions about resource consumption and how they live out of deep convictions. One person can choose to reach across the lines that divide us all- race, nationality, culture, class, language, power- and love the best they can through all the messiness of real relationships. Its small, but its something. I haven't perfected any of these things, but I'll spend my life figuring out how to do them.

Some days, I don't want to read the news because its just depressing. But, I still can't give up my idealism because it makes my life better and it has the chance at making others' lives better too. I'm part of a generation that is mostly sick of the overconsumption of our parents, that sees the damage the me, me, me, screw the environment, screw the poor attitude caused. So, I don't think anyone- not our elders or the newspaper- has the right to dampen our enthusiasm to live a life that means something. We may succeed in some ways, and we will fail in others, but I think we deserve the chance to try something new.

Is that enough cheesy blog post for today? I think so. Having a blog is like giving me a soap box.

(P.S. I don't know if the whole ice cream from breast milk thing goes in the encouraging or depressing news section)

Books

If you know me, you know I'm a reader. I've progressed from being in the lowest reading group in first grade to devouring at least 20 novels I year. I grew up with my parents reading to me every night and Saturday mornings spent reading in bed with my mom. As a huge extrovert, reading is the one thing I like to do alone. I've never been able to lay in the sun or just sit and listen to music, so I always have a book nearby. I read novels mainly- historical fiction, classics, books from different countries and cultures, comedy, romance. . . pretty much anything and everything. I managed to maintain this hobby even during my busiest semesters in college. So its not surprise that one of my mom's main worries about me coming to Cambodia was - what if you don't have any books to read?

Although I told her I would be fine and it was no big deal, I was very pleased to discover a huge library in the MCC office. In fact, its better than a library because its all books somebody in the last 30 years decided were worth carrying 10,000 miles across the ocean or paying for here out of a limited budget. There's literally a whole wall of books. Some of them look like they have been in the MCC office since MCC first came to Cambodia in 1979. Some were just on the NY Times Bestsellers list a year ago. To say the least, I've thrived on these books. They have kept me from being lonely and kept me balanced.

A few years ago I started writing down all the books I read (as every true book nerd does) to not reread anything, remember authors I like, and make recommendations, etc. I averaged about 25 books a year during college, not including stuff for school. Today I counted up my reads since coming to Cambodia and I'm at 34- in 6 months. You see, here I have plenty of time to read a few chapters after work, and before bed, and sometimes on my two hour lunch break if the book is really really good. So I'm happy to say, my hobby has been able to completely thrive in Cambodia- and its done just as much to keep my happy and healthy and centered as all my friends here and at home supporting me have done.

For other book people like me, out of the books I've read here and in no particular order, I recommend:
1) Moloka'i by Alan Brennert- historical fiction about the leper colony in Hawaii
2) The History of Love by Nicole Krauss- really well written and totally different than anything I have ever read
3) Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides- about a girl who discovers she is transgendered
4) A Map of Love by Ahdaf Soueif- parallel love stories in Egypt in 1900 and 1997- great glimpse at Egypt's colonial history, definitely making a political statement that applies today and somewhat prophetic because it was written pre 9/11
5) What is the What by Dave Eggers- I read this one to honor the world's newest country- South Sudan

Okay that's probably enough nerdy book post for one blog!

Coming up in March: Trips to Siem Riep, Battambang, and Pre Veng in Cambodia and vacation to Bangkok at the end of the month!