Personality musings

Last week, MCC did a training session on Meyers Briggs personality types. This is a personality test the gives you four letters representing your type. E or I- extrovert or introvert, N or S- intuition or sensing (how do you gather information?), T or F- thinking or feeling (how do you make decisions?), and P or J- perceiving or judgment (how do you like to organize your world?).

I am an ENFJ- Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Judgment. Simply put this means that I gain energy from being with people, that I am more likely to gather information and make decisions based on my emotions and not analytical thinking, and that I'm organized and a linear thinker. As the staff read their descriptions, we all laughed at how accurate they were. Of course, no personality test is an absolute but I do like this one. Mine did say that I like working with different kinds of people and will seek out opportunities to work internationally!

One of my main struggles in Cambodia, and in life, has been learning to say I like me for me. So after reading about my personality type and facing myself in a whole new context this is what I know about myself now more than ever:

- I will always and forever be a Tacoma girl. I am a city person. I love the diversity of my home. I have deep roots and as much as a I travel and live elsewhere, I will never lose them.
- My family makes me, me. They are solid ground for me. What would I be without conversations while we make dinner, early morning card games on camping trips, constant laughing and talking and togetherness, a place to run when the world gets overwhelming?
- I would rather be with people, in real relationship, than anywhere else. I have lifelong friends that I can rely on for anything, even when 10,000 miles separate us. Being known and really knowing others is when I most feel like me. And I'd do anything for those people.
- I am something of a chicken. I am afraid of birds, rejection, driving vehicles with two wheels- but I'll do anything if I feel like someone is watching out for me. Probably something I inherited for having a great Dad who has always gotten me to be a little bit more adventurous than normal, but was also always holding my hand to make sure I didn't fall.
-I thrive on conversation. Deep one on one talks. Laughing and joking in a group. Arguing politics and global issues even when there's no answers.
- All you have to do to make me trust you is ask my how I'm feeling if I look upset. And I will do the same for you, even if this isn't what you want when you're upset. I just want you to know I care.
- I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, confide in people easily, and not hide my emotions well at all. If I get unusually quiet, I am upset.
- I love swimming, traveling, dancing, camping trips, getting dressed up with the girls, playing cards, coffee, making other people feel loved, and those nights that you expect to be uneventful but end up being the best night ever
- I have learned and am still learning how to trust, love, and believe in Jesus in a world that is full of pain. I don't quite understand it, but more and more I believe He is active in this world. Comforting us, seeking us, His heart breaking over tears cried behind closed doors.
- The way I see myself seems to be left over from a middle school version of me and its not what other people see at all. If you asked me, and I actually answered honestly, I would describe myself as insecure, quiet, a follower not a leader, afraid, usually unwanted. I'm just beginning to see that these things are not me anymore. I don't even know how to change this long time mindset, to begin seeing myself clearly.

Today in the face of being away from home at Christmas, missing traditions, reveling in new adventures and friendships, having people close to me hurting, in a life filled with uncertainty and ambiguity- I want to say all those cheesy things people say to each other about loving yourself, dancing like no one is watching, loving like there's no tomorrow, shining like a firework- they are all true. The reason we repeat them to each other is because they strike something in all of us. And we've got to hold on to that love and confidence.

Next Post: My expat, Cambodian Christmas and vacation

Odd and Ends

Today I feel like writing, but there is no major event to report on. So instead, I am offering up a list:

• Last Friday was my last day of Khmer class. Though I am by no means fluent, I am ready to be done. Its difficult to keep up the energy for it after 3 months, day in day out. I told my sisters that they have to force me to speak more Khmer at home so I do not lose anything I have learned. I do not know if my vocabulary will increase at this point, but I hope that by the end of the year my conversation skills will be more smooth and natural.
  

• The end of language class means that I will finally start working full time at Peace Bridges. Well, at least 30 hours a week. I realize I have not said anything about my job lately. After toiling away for most of November on a qualitative research proposal, my supervisor and I came to the joint conclusion that that project just was not going to work. A little disappointing after so much work, but also kind of a relief because I was definitely in over my head. So now, I am doing a quantitative research evaluation project. A little more manageable. I am working on writing the survey so it can be translated. Its slowly coming together. The plan is the administer the survey in early February. Also, a new Khmer co-worker just started work in our Research, Monitoring, and Evaluation Unit. He really knows what he is doing, probably more than I do. He has been a great help- with the project and also with Khmer and English practice. Overall, the job is good. Its a little too much sitting at a computer time for my taste, but its a good experience. Plus, if I am going to do research, I am glad I am doing it for an organization I believe in. And this kind of capacity building is exactly what Cambodia needs from expats right now.
  

• Being away from home in December does kind of suck. (Of course when I think about the fact that for the last 4 years, I have been taking finals during this week, I am pretty glad to be here!) I miss being home for our family traditions and even the cold weather. On the other hand, it does not really feel like Christmas here, so its easy to carry on with life without being too homesick. (at least so far) My plan is to absolutely not expect it to feel like Christmas at home and just enjoy it for what it will be. Christmas festivities so far have included a day of baking cookies and decorating the tree in the office. On Christmas Eve night, a bunch of people from MCC are having a sleep over and then Christmas breakfast together. Then, the day after Christmas, I leave for a week of vacation- half at the beach and half in Siem Riep. It will not be as good as a family Christmas, but I am happy to share it with my expat family here in Phnom Penh.

• I also wanted to say a little about my church life here. On Sunday mornings, I attend a Khmer church with my sister. Although I really cannot ever follow the sermon, I do really enjoy the service. I love feeling Gods presence so deeply when I cannot even understand the words to the song we are singing. Its a really beautiful experience. And next week I am participating in the Christmas program. I would never, ever agree to sing in front of people at home, but here it seems like a worthwhile way to be a part of the church. And its not a solo or anything! There are a couple of people at the church that I am getting to know a little which feels really wonderful. On Sunday nights, I have started going to a expat house church. It has taken awhile to settle in with this group, but I am starting to get to know people. The community reminds me a lot of my small group in Spokane last year. In fact, my wonderful experience last year led me to seek at a similar group here. Its a good way to meet more people, build intentional relationships, and just have the opportunity to worship in language I understand completely. As I settle into a routine here, my spiritual life is settling in also. What I mean is that at first, with so much rapid change, my brain felt scattered, but now I am returning to my normal equilibrium and both these churches play a big role in that process.

Well, thats all for now. I hope all of you are enjoying cuddling up with hot chocolate and seeing Christmas lights. Because I am missing out on those things now, I give you permission to feel a little sad for me. But when I am lying on a beach in 90 degree weather on December 26th, I will return the favor and feel a little sad for you : )

The Meaning of a 3 Month Slump

All of the many "How to Live Overseas" type books I have read recently agree that at around the 3 month mark you will typically have a slump. Life overseas can be an exercise in living on a roller coaster at times, but for the last month or so I have felt pretty steady and content. Recently though, I have hit this textbook slump.

According to Google, a slump is a heavy or helpless collapse, to fall suddenly or heavily, or a deterioration in quality or performance.

I would say a slump in life overseas is the point when things stop being new and exciting. When you realize work here can be just as boring, stressful, or frustrating as a job at home. When you start to actual look forward to weekends and vacation because you need a break just like in life at home. When this steady routine leaves time for homesickness to creep in.

I am definitely not miserable in any sense of the word. At least once a day, I am overwhelmed by how blessed I am to be here, how much I love this life, and how beautiful cross cultural relationships can be. The thing is, part of this journey is facing your loneliness, your insecurities, your fears- learning to rely on God in another context. Another SALTer just reminded me that we prayed to be made uncomfortable, to be challenged and to grow so how can we turn away when these very things happen?

Its true that all my same baggage and issues followed me right here to Cambodia. The issues that can make life rocky here are the same as the ones at home. Insecurities still creep in to steal my joy. A negative self image still makes me doubt how friends really feel about me. In fact, I would say these issues are actually enlarged here- where my normal escapes are absent. So, I am forced to carry these pains to God in a whole new way. I am forced to say "Jesus, I do not know how to deal with this. I do not know how to change. I cannot feel your love in this moment, but I still believe in it." Learning how to do this is an ongoing challenge and by no means something I have figured out.

So, quite against my natural instincts, I am learning to live in ambiguity. I am learning to leave each day and not worry about the big issues. I am learning to trust in a God who is bigger than me. I am learning to live in my own brokeness and need for God, rather than covering it up in striving to "have it together." Life here seems to require nothing less. Simultaneously, I am looking forward to a vacation at the end of the month where I can hopefully forget I am in Cambodia for awhile and just take a break. Such is life.

So I end with two moments that make all this worth it:
1) My day yesterday: Shopping for fabric with the MCC girls to get clothes made incredibly cheap. Eating a delicious Western lunch and dessert. Having the best massage ever for only 10 bucks. Laughing a lot. Having a friend remind me that I am loved. A great day.

2) This morning: Went to church with my sister, Phealy. Ate breakfast and chatted about boys and work and life and music videos. Worshiped in a language I cannot understand really, but still felt the presence of God deeply in the room. Felt like part of the family.

So this is my 3 month slump. I am slowly figuring it out. I write all this not for sympathy really, but in the hope that all of you at home will know that living overseas is mostly just doing regular life. Ups and downs. Exciting, boring, joyful, silly, frustrating, exhausting, stressful, hopeful, everything.

So thats an update on whats going on inside my head : )

Water Festival

What a crazy week! On Sunday through Monday this week, Cambodia celebrated Water Festival (or in Khmer 'bon ohm tuuk') the biggest holiday of the year. The Festival celebrates the day at the end of rainy season when the Tonle Sap River reverses its flow. Cambodia is the only place in the world this happens. The Festival honors the river and how it really provides life in Cambodia- water, the ability to grow rice, etc. Phnom Penh fills with people (like 2 million more than normal) and there are boat races on the river. Each province has one or two boat teams. The boats are something like big canoes, except that they hold about 70 rowers. As you may have heard, this year's Water Festival ended with tragedy, but I will come to that later.

I decided to spend this four day weekend with my host family. First, on Friday night, my sisters and I went out dancing. I have never stayed out so late in Phnom Penh. The place we went was half awesome and half cheesy 80s lounge. I was 1 of two foreigners in the place. We actually didn't dance too much because it was crowded and my sisters were shy, but the night did end with the 4 of us on the dance floor rocking out to Justin Bieber. A night to remember!

On Saturday, we had a birthday party for my little 2 year old host nephew. My sisters spent all day cooking. The house was completely full of people. Fortunately, I did know a lot of them from our church. Again, a pretty great evening.

On Sunday night, we decided to go to see fireworks at the riverside. So my sisters, our pastor and his mother and son, another MCCer, and I headed downtown for Water Festival. The crowd was crazy- felt just as big as when I went to the inauguration and that was 2 million people. We made our way to the front (as a side note, for the first time in my life in Cambodia I can actually see over crowds to some degree. I'm not tall here, but I'm at least not below average anymore!) and the longest fireworks display I have ever seen started up. As the fireworks exploded overhead, big boats covered in lights floated by on the river. It reminded me of the night light parade at Disney World. Each boat represented a government department. They were gorgeous- a million lights dancing a long the water. A new boat made to represent Phnom Penh had Wat Phnom on it, the founding temple of the city. That one was my favorite. As it ended, all of us made our way out of the crowd (took at least 45 minutes). Then, we got stuck in crazy traffic trying to get home. But still, it was so beautiful and so great to be with my sisters, that I'm really glad I stayed in town for my one and only Water Festival.

Now comes the sad part of the story. On Monday night, the last night of the Festival, while I slept safely in my bed, nearly 400 people were killed in stampede at the riverside. Everyone was leaving a island in the river by way of a very narrow bridge. No one seems to know quite what caused it, but people panicked, pushing in both directions on the bridge. Around 400 died and at least 750 were injured. I've been on this bridge, I think it would fill 'full' if 100 people were on it. My sisters woke me on 4 AM on Tuesday morning to watch the news. Its a surreal experience to be pulled out of bed to the cry 'something bad happened!' and ask 'where?' in return and hear a location 2 miles away. And then, to watch the news in a language I can't really understand while my sisters called everyone they knew to make sure they were okay. I have to say, it felt the same way I did on Sept 11th- that early morning fear, that not knowing. And for Cambodia, this disaster is on the scale of that day for the U.S. (Of course, without the war fever)

It has also been interesting to see how Cambodia choose to mourn this loss. For the last 2 nights, outside every house and at the bridge itself people have been leaving offerings- incense, bananas, money, candles. . . all given to the spirits of those who died in the hope they won't haunt the city. The price of bananas has more than quadrupled. The government declared today a national day of mourning. My sisters said they think the island will close permanently because no one will want to go to a place so full of the dead. Even my family, who did not lose anyone, is more subdued than normal. Its such a human question- how do we mourn well? What does it mean to grieve? I have to say I feel somewhat disconnected from it. I am sad for the families that loss someone, but I also feel some distance from it. I'm not feeling it in the same way as a Cambodian. Maybe that's just a survival mechanism. Maybe its because today is also Thanksgiving and I want to feel good to ward off homesickness. At the same time, in the U.S. we see things like this on the news all the time, bad things that happen in far away places, but this time for me, I'm in it. The people who died can't be so easily forgotten. And that's probably a good lesson for all of us. Even when tragedy happens far from home, it still matters, its still very real and personal to someone.

So I enjoyed Water Festival and at the same time, I mourn along with this country. I liked bonding with my sisters over holiday celebrations. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Enjoy turkey and good black friday sales. I'm spending the day with friends, eating at a restaurant buffet, and having a sleepover. It strangely doesn't feel like Thanksgiving- the weather is too hot, and I'm not with any of you. But that keeps me from being too homesick and I'll enjoy this Thanksgiving for what it is- an expat celebration : )

Instant Immersion

For the last 3 months, my daily routine has involved a one hour language lesson five days a week. Obviously a commitment to expats learning the language is key to good development work in any foreign country. At the beginning, the whole process was really overwhelming. At this point, we only have 2 weeks of language class left. SALTers in other parts of the world did not get nearly as much language as us, so we're really lucky. The structure of Khmer is relatively easy- not conjugation, no plurals, but the sound and cadence of speech are really difficult. So different that English and other European languages. Learning the language has been rewarding and challenging.

So now, after nearly 3 months of class, am I fluent? No. Am I conversational? Maybe, if the person speaks slowly and is willing to laugh with me when I have no idea what they are saying. Do I have survival Khmer? Definitely. I feel like I could go anywhere in the city, buy anything, talk to anyone and get my point across. Am I still shy is using my language skills? Yes, especially in groups where everyone talks a mile a minute and I can't see their lips moving. I have definitely developed the skill of zoning out completely while everyone chats around me. ha ha

At home, I tend to speak a lot of English with my host family. They all want to practice their English and they're all really good. Plus, its so much easier for me to get to know them this way. But, at the moment, we have relatives from the province in our house for Water Festival (a major holiday this weekend that I will write about after it happens) and they don't speak English. My host mom, a friend of the family, and a niece. Last night I got home and only the mom and the friend were in the house. Rather than retreating to my room, I decided to dive in. I spent 2 hours chatting with them. I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand anything, but we were able to communicate. We talked about their children, what I do here, my learning Khmer, and even how I should get married soon. (I'm pretty sure my host mom is willing to set me up, she was pretty adamant I have some children soon. : ) This is pretty normal considering 22 is getting old to not be married yet for Cambodian women)

I have to admit, I still feel so surprised when I can communicate easily. It seems like after only 3 months, that should be impossible. It was such a nice night. They even started teaching me how to write (something I won't be learning in class, only speaking). Sometimes when relatives come to visit, I feel like I'm on display. People from the countryside are not used to seeing foreigners at all and I can be something of a spectacle. But on nights like last night, I love the opportunity to get closer to Cambodians. I've never been someone whose good at learning languages, but even the little success I've had here is so rewarding. People appreciate it so much when you take the time to learn the language.

So those are my thoughts on learning a language by immersion. Its an experience everyone should try once in their lives. When I get back to the states, I will have to find some Khmer people to chat with so I don't lose the skill!

Cambodian Folk Tales

As part of a language lesson this week, I learned the story of the "Rabbit who eats Bananas." (Yes in Cambodia rabbits don't like carrots, they like bananas) So this is a story that all little Cambodian children know. (And, believe it or not, I could tell you the whole thing in Khmer!)

Once, an old Grandma was walking through the forest to get to the market. At the market she bought a basket full of bananas. She put the basket on her head and started home. A rabbit in the forest saw the lady walking with her bananas. He decided he was really hungry and needed those bananas. So, he went into the middle of the road and pretended to be dead. The old lady came upon the 'dead' rabbit and thought- yum a delicious meal. So, she put the rabbit in her banana basket. The rabbit carefully ate all the bananas, leaving only the peels. When the lady walked near a bush, the rabbit jumped out and disappeared into the forest. When the lady arrived home, she looked into the basket and saw that the rabbit and all the bananas were gone! She was very angry and yelled "the rabbit cheated me!"

In Cambodian folklore the rabbit is always the most clever animal. The rabbit is always the judge character in stories. After reading this story in Khmer, our language teacher told us another story about the rabbit and the snail.

The rabbit and the snail decided to race around a big lake. The rabbit was very clever and knew that he could beat a slow snail. So they both started running. Every once in a while the rabbit called out 'where are you snail?' and somehow the snail was always in front of him! The rabbit could not figure it out! It turns out that there was more than one snail in the lake. Every time the rabbit called out, a snail just ahead of him answered. So, even though the snail was slow, he won the race because he was clever.

I told our teacher the tortoise and the hare story this morning. The Cambodia story definitely teaches a different lesson!

Independence Day

Yesterday, I celebrated Cambodia's independence from France with a Tuesday off from work. Apparently Cambodia doesn't do that the holiday's during the week, lets take friday/monday off sort of thing. However, having a Tuesday off made me realize that people should probably get a random day off during the week every week. I mean seriously, what's better than that?

Anyway, the celebration: This holiday marked a rare day where none of my sisters nor I had to work or go to school. After making chow mein together (my sister joked we were being Chinese on a Khmer holiday), we headed to the Phnom Penh Sports Club to go swimming. 5 bucks later and I discovered an awesome lap pool, lounging chairs, a jacuzzi, and a steam room. I had a great time getting some exercise (not an easy thing to do here) and teaching 2 of my sisters how to swim. They both can swim enough not to drown, but they are still afraid of the water. I'm so grateful for my family. Even though language and culture and 10,000 miles divide us, I'm a part of the family. They take the time to explain my presence to the million people who ask them about me. Last week, one sister told me that I filled the place of their sister who is in America with MCC this year. She also said she already knew she would miss me when I left. How great is that? It teaches me a few lessons about love and hospitality, that's for sure. What I'm trying to say is that, relationships that happen cross culturally, against all odds, are beautiful. I just love feeling their love for me.

After swimming, we grabbed dinner at the market- a pho like soup, but with Khmer noodles. (short, thick, and white) Then we headed to the riverside to watch fireworks. The traffic was incredible, everyone was doing the same thing as us. As I rode on the back of Phealy's moto, I was so happy to be safe with her. I could rely on her driving skills and take in the scenery. After a pretty impressive fireworks display, we headed to a place a ton of young people hang out and dance every night. In a big open space by some statues and fountains, people set up speakers and lead dance/aerobic classes. Tons of people join in, paying about 25 cents to dance along. There must have been 8 or 9 groups of 50, 60 people each dancing to every Korean pop song I've ever heard. The place was more packed than usual because of the holiday. It was such a rush to be in the crowd, feeling like a cool foreigner because I had a Khmer family. We didn't dance (my sisters were too nervous about people watching them) but enjoyed the music and walked around. As I looked at these hundreds of young people, I realized that this is the generation that will see Cambodia developed. This is the first generation to have opportunities in a long, long time. I totally believe they will change Cambodia. The energy was just irresistible.

Its hard to describe the whole scene, but let me end by saying that the word Cambodia brings a lot of different things to mind for people- genocide, poverty, war, refugees, or maybe nothing at all or maybe "is that in Africa somewhere?" but Cambodia is also youth and energy and hope and change and a future. Standing in the middle of that crowd last night, I got a beautiful glimpse of all the good things Cambodia is and will be.

And seriously any country where the plot of any of the Step Up movies could actually happen should probably be a world power. . . : )