Updates

My thoughts feel a bit scattered this week, so I'm going for bullet points this time around:

• I spent this week in Pre Veng Town- a provincial capital 2 hours from Phnom Penh and the location of MCC's other office in Cambodia. 4 other expats work out there. The 4 SALTers and Kirstin (who I lovingly refer to as our handler, but who is really the coordinator for our program here in Cambodia and the person who makes sure we get to do extra cool stuff without us having to plan it - a very wonderful situation for us) headed out to Pre Veng for a week of visiting MCC partners. Most of the partners in Pre Veng work in agriculture or education. I learned a lot and it was fun to see a totally different sector of MCC's work here besides my normal realm of peace. Plus we visited a few villages to see the partner's work. 'What is good development?' conversations abounded.
  

• I was also in Pre Veng for Easter. The 4 SALTers, the 2 Pre Veng couples, and Kirstin and her husband Daron joined together to celebrate by singing out of the Mennonite hymnal, eating a delicious meal that included cookie dough cheesecake, attempting a ridiculously hard puzzle that was shaped like a wolf, and playing big group games like 4 on the couch. Great holiday.
  

• Visiting Pre Veng is always (this was my third trip) refreshing for the soul- good people, good conversations, laughter, reading my Bible over coffee on the deck, quiet nights, stillness, not being on a computer for a few days, and usually devouring a whole novel. It was so good to socialize with the MCC Pre Vengers and take advantage of their wonderful hospitality.
  

• Last week, I officially passed the been here 8 months mark and the leaving in 3 months mark. Very very strange feeling. I feel torn between being so excited about coming home, fearing what the future holds, and realizing how much I am going to miss it here. Despite all the cross cultural challenges, identity crises, and irritations of this year, Cambodia has seeped into my bones. I can't speak the language, I know only a small circle of people, but I have this sense Cambodia will always be with me. I'm so glad I've had this experience. The next challenge will be not checking out too early and really being here for these 3 months I have left.
  

• In addition to that last point, I am already anticipating how many times I will be asked 'what did you learn? how did you grow?' when I get home. All I can think now is that the answer isn't so simple. Some days I feel confident in saying 'oh I learned to get over my insecurities' and other days those same insecurities are back to bite my heels. Some days I have grand things to say about the beauty of cross cultural relationships and other days I'm far too impatient with cultural differences. This whole year has been a work in progress. Maybe the lessons will be clearer as time goes by, but what I know right now is that this was a year in my life. I learned new things and faced new challenges, just like any other year. I just happened to be blessed with the opportunity to live on the other side of the world. And it has been good. It has been full of laughter, tears, growing, seeing cool things, eating new foods, making a fool of myself, building friendships, learning about who I am and who I want to be, trying to be me in a new context, giving myself grace, and discovering I'm never going to arrive at a put-together life. Who will I be because of this experience? How has it changed me and my future? I don't know, but I know its change for the better.
  

• Finally, though it seems like so many of these posts are about my various identity crises, I seem to be having another one. Someone recently reminded me that I'm still vulnerable and that my emotions are still turned up a notch even after eight months- and that this is normal. So I'm going to give myself some grace and simply say I'm a work in progress. Here's the questions I have been asking lately:

- Is there hope at the end of the tunnel for developing countries? Will Cambodia ever be developed?
- Why do I still care what people think of me? Why do people's perceptions matter so much to me? I don't want to be judged, but I surely judge others.
- Why don't I trust that people love me? I trust sometimes, but its not consistent. I struggle with this, but I still share who I am with people so easily. How do I do that if I have this fear that I will get rejected? It doesn't seem to stop me. That sharing deeply with others so deeply, it feels like the core of who I am, like nothing could really stop me from being myself.
- What's going to happen next year? What if I can't get a job? What if I don't have a safety net?
- What if the future doesn't work out how I have planned?

Big questions. Very few answers. A lot of grace and good friends and good novels. The best advice I've gotten recently is that there is no stage in life where suddenly you have security. We think other people have security, but really they don't. The grass is not only always greener, its artificial. Only through faith can we know that in the end, things work out. Such is life. For now, live in the present.

PS I am going to the beach tomorrow. I love tropical countries.

Khmer New Year Part 2

So I went to the province. . . and it was AWESOME. I spent 5 days and 4 nights in Kampong Thom province, about 3 hours north of Phnom Penh. We stayed with a sister in a village that grows cashews, in the provincial capital with my host mom, and in another village with an aunt. Life in the province and life in Phnom Penh are so different they could be different countries. We did a ton of stuff, met a ton of relatives, and took a ton of photos. (See facebook, coming soon) Here are the highlights:

• Visiting some really hold temples- 600 years older than Angkor Wat (About 1500 or 1600 years old)
• Taking a bath outside, wrapped in a sarong, from a well, with my 3 sisters
• Meeting about a million relatives- families here are BIG
• Staying in a village and experiencing village life- traditional style house, cows, chickens, hammocks, quietness- it improved my understanding of Cambodian culture a lot
  
• Visiting the most sacred site in Cambodia for Buddhists- a mountain with a temple on top containing one of the Buddha's bones
• Playing endless games of the Cambodian version of BINGO (We played for 500 riel a round- I lost 4500 riel- not very lucky I guess!)
• Bonding more with my host sisters. This was the longest uninterrupted time I have spent with them.
• Drinking a coconut that I watched get knocked out of a tree
• Delicious food + no stomach issues
• Eating a fruit that is only harvested at Khmer New Year, only in Kampong Thom province. It tasted like a sour apricot.

The only cons were about 40 mosquito bites and wishing I could speak the language better.

It was truly a privilege to experience this holiday with my sisters. I am so grateful they shared their family with me. And that they consider me- the awkward, bad Khmer speaking foreigner, a member of that family.

Khmer New Year Part 1

Susedie Chnam Tmai!
Happy New Year!

This week is Khmer New Year, possibly the biggest holiday of the year here in Cambodia. This is my third new years for this year- international and Chinese have already passed, both of which are celebrated here too. But this one, Cambodia's new years, in the most important. Tomorrow I leave for my host families' home province to celebrate for 5 days. The holiday is technically the 14, 15, and 16th. Phnom Penh empties and everyone who can afford it goes home to their village and family. People buy gifts for their older relatives. There are traditional games and foods. The whole country rests and laughs and celebrates. (This is actually also Thai and Lao New Year too) Now, I know more about all of the traditions in a few days when I return from the province, so this post is about the build up to new years.

It feels like Christmastime- well not the cold weather or the trees or the baking or the decorations- but the spirit of Christmas. Everyone is in a good mood and pretty relaxed. People are traveling to spend time with their families. Gifts are being bought. Games will be played. Schools are closed for 2 weeks. People have time off of work. There are parties at every workplace. People get bonuses. This is Cambodia's holiday season. And I love it. The vibe of the city right now is so pleasant and joyful. My pre-khmer new year activities have thus far included:

- A party at Peace Bridges, my partner organization including traditional dancing and games and delicious barbequed seafood
- Dinner out with my sisters and one of their friends
- Going out traditional dancing at a club
- A few extra trips out to do fun stuff around the city thanks to my family's new years bonuses

Overall, its been lovely so far. Can't wait to see what lies ahead in the province starting tomorrow!

Advice

Advice from my host sister:

Me: This week I just feel sad.
Sister: Are you homesick?
Me: No, I'm afraid that when I go home, everything will be different and I will be the same.
Sister: Don't worry about tomorrow.
Me: Its hard for me to trust that God has a plan for me.
Sister: When we trust God, he always provides for us. When we don't trust God and pretend like we don't need him, he only answers in a small way. We didn't really ask him for help. When we trust him with everything, when we need him, his answer is big and amazing.

I have a lot of dreams and expectations for next year. I'm afraid of the expectations people may have on me. Someone told me recently that your first year out of college is always hard, no matter where you are, because you have to face real life- all its possibilities good and bad. My sister's advice reminds me that although life is complicated, faith is simple. Faith is simple even when we don't have our lives all planned and when our faith isn't always strong. We were made for simplicity- knowing God and being ourselves. Lesson #3984 learned in Cambodia: Don't over think it. We've been given grace. Don't worry about tomorrow.


Also- I now have plane tickets from Phnom Penh to Pennsylvania for my re-entry retreat with MCC and from PA to home. I arrive home on July 26th. Time to finish strong and then come home to all the people and things I love and who love me : )

Khmer Rouge Tribunal

Yesterday, I watched part of the ongoing, UN sponsored Khmer Rouge Tribunal. Basically, just before the final surrender of the KR in 1998, Cambodia asked the UN to help it find a way to try high ranking KR officials. After years of debate about what the court should look like, the tribunal opened in 2007. Its unique in that its actually taking place in Cambodia and that its a joint project between Cambodia and the UN. There are Cambodian and foreign judges, defenders, and prosecutors. Its purpose is to try the highest ranking members of the KR. Pol Pot, the leader, died in 1998, so he can't be prosecuted. Its completely unreasonable to try regular soldiers or supporters because that is a lot of people who have re-entered Cambodian society as productive citizens. (Also, many of these people only joined the KR to protect the lives of their own families) The goal of the tribunal is to try to bring about justice for the victims' families and bring some closure for the whole nation. So far 5 people have been accused before the tribunal. Only 1 trial has been completed, in which the man in charge of the main torture center was found guilty and sentenced to 30 years in prison (life is prison is the worst sentence possible because the death penalty in unconstitutional in Cambodia- one area where they have us beat- plus all the people are quite old already anyway). We went to see part of this man's appeal. Although he confessed during the trial and expressed remorse, he still pleaded not guilty. Now he is appealing saying that he was not a high ranking official and was just following orders to avoid the killing of his own family and therefore does not fall under the mandate of the court.

What we saw was quite boring, court mumbo jumbo, but the whole idea of the trials is interesting. They feel like a strange imposition of Western ways on Cambodia. In the west, we say remember bad things that happen so they don't happen again. In Cambodia, some agree with this but many would say don't talk about bad things or else they will happen again. But there has to be some kind of justice, some kind of trial, doesn't there?

Also, what is justice in this case anyway? The killing fields were 30 years ago. The people being prosecuted are in their 70s and 80s and no one except for the first man has shown any remorse at all. In my opinion, the bulk of Cambodians aren't paying too close of attention to the trials anyway. Sitting in that courtroom, it didn't feel like justice in action. It felt like mankind's attempt to maintain an equilibrium in the world. You do bad things, bad things happen to you. We have to believe that's true or else we'd go crazy. So maybe we need to create that sense of control, even if its shallow- simply because life has to go on. I don't know. They are very big questions with no answers but very interesting to think about.

Thailand!

Last week, I spent 4 days or so in Bangkok, Thailand. One other SALTer in Cambodia, LynAnne, and I met up with a SALTer in Laos, Whitney. This was a crazy last minute planned trip, totally southeast asia style, and we went in with our only expectation being 'Starbucks please.' And like all last minute planned things in SE Asia, it worked out pretty dang well. Here are the high lights:

• Street food- very different than the stuff you see in Cambodia. I loved the custard cups, fresh squeezed orange juice, burrito (I know, I don't think it was actually Thai lol), and grilled chicken.
  
• Great conversations with LynAnne and Whitney comparing experiences, joys and frustrations. It felt like our own mini mid year retreat. I feel very refreshed to return to my life in Cambodia for the remaining 4 ish months.
• Grand Palace- one word: Sparkly
• Reclining Buddha- 40 meters of giant, golden, Buddha-ness. The most impressive Buddha I've seen this year- and I've seen quite a lot
• The joy of being in malls again. Phnom Penh has two, but the ones in Bangkok are nicer than any I've ever been to in the States. Think Gucci, Versace, Burberry- nothing we could afford in there!
• Seeing Andy and Lana, our regional MCC reps, and their new arrival, Aaron. They had been in town for the birth and headed back to Cambodia a day before us. So, we were officially the first to see him on the MCC team. : ) Very cute.
• Seeing a movie in a movie theater- even if it was a depressing European movie
• Visiting a floating market- a market on two sides of a river, with some people selling food right off their boats.
  
• A boat trip on the Mekong at night to see fireflies- 1000s of them
• And of course, Starbucks- twice. Yum.
  

One other thought- we discovered a funny and sometimes frustrating phenomenon in Bangkok (I like to call it the Bangkok Tourist Conspiracy). There's this scam where while you are happily walking down the street to your destination with your map, a nice Thai person strikes up a conversation. Where are you going? The Grand Palace. Oh its closed this morning. (a tuk tuk happens to pull up alongside you). You should take this tuk tuk to see the standing Buddha. Its free today, but it usually costs money. You really should go. I'll negotiate the price with this tuk tuk for you. And in you get, only to discover that the Grand Palace isn't closed, the standing Buddha is always free, and that really wasn't a nice man at all but a guy who knew you were an easy target and was in cahoots with the tuk tuk driver. We fell for the scheme once, seeing not the standing Buddha but another pagoda. We then realized this happens all the time. We must have been told the Grand Palace and other attractions were closed and we should go to the standing Buddha by at least 6 people over the course of the few days- totally random people, including one in a totally fake tourist police costume. I couldn't believe it! We quickly learned to ignore tuk tuk drivers completely. The high light is its now a running joke that our experience in Bangkok wasn't really complete because we didn't see the standing Buddha! ha!

Bangkok was great, a massive, cosmopolitan megopolis. But, I'm glad to be back in Phnom Penh, my home away from home. Its amazing how much speaking the language even a little makes life easier. I'm suddenly more grateful for Phnom Penh's negotiable traffic, friendly people, more laid back pace. This year may be ruining my ability to be just a tourist. But, its good to be reminded how much I love this place- and I have less than 4 months to go! Crazy

The Host Family Experience

Looking back, I've mentioned and praised my host family on this blog numerous times. I've told you their names, my initial fears, and how much I love them now. I thought I would use this post to expand a little bit on what it means to live with a host family. The 60 SALTers spread out around the world are having a wide variety of experiences. Some are living with other foreigners for securities sake, some are living with ethnic minorities, some have host parents, some have only host siblings like me, some are living with fellow Christians and some are not, and its inevitable that some aren't in love with their host family experience. Host families seem to be one of the main things that cause new SALTers worry. Will I be able to communicate? Will they like me? Will I be uncomfortable all the time?

My host family experience has been down right fantastic. Sure, I have moments of uncomfortable-ness and awkwardness, but the relationships I have with my 3 host sisters have real depth and are truly rewarding. They also serve as the best gatekeepers into Cambodian culture and relationships with other Cambodians. I get to do and see so many things with them that I never could otherwise. I've been completely convinced that every overseas worker should at least do a home stay because the experience is vital. So here's a few facts I've learned about life with host families:

1) Expect to be nervous and awkward at first. Expect 6 weeks of it being exhausting to be at home, of it not feeling like home.

2)Expect to be at work on a Friday on week 7 or 8 and suddenly realize that you actually want to go home, that home sounds relaxing- BREAKTHROUGH

3) Expect to have all the out of town relatives come into town just to meet you

4) Even though its hard at the beginning, force yourself to hang out with your family- those hours will pay off later when you don't need to force yourself anymore

5) Give yourself space- its okay to leave the house on a saturday if you're starting to get restless or homesick

6) Enjoy unexpected things in common- for me a love of going dancing

7) Enjoy the fact that relationships can happen even when communication is limited by a language barrier

8) Savor the moments you know you are a part of the family- for me when your sister says 'you love all the things we love' and 'it would have been more fun if you were there' and being trusted with the history of the family, good and bad.

9) Realize how we are all the same- like when my sister says 'hurry up Nicole, American Idol is on' or when we all pray together

10) Enjoy how we are all different- like when you can't quite understand why no one plans anything in advance ever, but you just kind of go with it all the time and learn to love the unexpected fun things that happen

I'm so grateful my host family experience has been positive. This would have been such a different year if I hadn't felt so loved and wanted in my temporary home.

The next new experience I will share them- going to their home province for Khmer New Year in mid-April : )