Spiritual Growing

In the past few weeks, several things have happened that have got me asking

"How am I growing spiritually here?"

First, I received an email from MCC asking me to prepare answers for a SALT yearbook I will receive at the re-entry retreat in July. The questions include things like first impression, differences between home/host cultures, future plans, new perspectives, and spiritual growth/struggles. (When I write them, I probably post those answers on here as well)

Second, I have been thinking about plans for next year and today I received a plane ticket back to the US (Leave Cambodia July 19th for re-entry retreat in PA, home on July 26). My plans for next year are completely up in the air other than the fact I want to be near home. I'm probably more okay with having an unknown future than I ever been in the past, but it does make me reflect back on this year.

Reflecting on this year with be a mammoth project but it really can't begin too much until I'm back home. All the ways this year has effected me and changed me perspective will probably echo throughout my entire life. But this question about spiritual growth has been on my mind.

For one, coming here was a leap of faith and one obviously expects to have some sort of amazing spiritual experience. You know, you're in a new place, you have to rely on God more than ever, your perspective is being challenged, etc. And its not like these things aren't true for me. Its just that. . .

. . . this has also been a year of big questions and doubts, something I never expected. From seeing the face of inequity up close and personal to questioning the western missionary format to dealing with some struggles at home, my faith has frequently been pushed to the limit. I've found it easy to question God's goodness and sovereignty when examining the Khmer Rouge years or seeing a very hungry child. I've questioned God's plan when my work has seemed inconsequential and irrelevant.

And while I've thought through these questions, I've also experienced some beautiful glimpses of God's love and His presence. I've been lonely and prayed and felt not alone anymore. I've see Cambodia Christians absolutely in love with Jesus and unafraid to speak of Him to others. I've seen resilience in the generation that survived the Khmer Rouge. I've been reminded that the truth, the real purpose of life, is in Christ. That those truths of goodness, love, reconciliation, and salvation are somehow more real, more permanent than all of the evil, suffering, and pain I have experienced and witnessed.

So in some ways, spiritually this has been a year of extremes so far. Some of these questions nothing to do with being here in Cambodia and everything to do with stepping out into the real world and adulthood. Some of them have to do with unraveling my negative self image so that I can see God's love. And all of them God seems to be answering by pulling me deeper into his arms, surrounding me with reminders. John 17:3 says

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

Eternal life isn't only pie in the sky someday, its knowing God, having a relationship. And that's what I want. So, I don't really have any conclusions, other than that I'm excited to be on this journey with Jesus, I'm willing to question because I know he's willing to listen to my grumblings, and I'm okay if my spiritual growth this year isn't typical or what I expected- I just want to build the relationship and sometimes that means both arguing and loving each other.