It's hard to believe today is already October 30th. The weather here isn't getting much colder and no leaves are turning red and gorgeous, so November kind of snuck up on me this year. Yesterday, Liz, LynAnne, and I spent the day laying by a pool at a nice hotel. (Thanks to Coronation Day, yet another national holiday in Cambodia) Our conversation drifted toward the subject of how we've grown so far this year and if that growth has been what we expected. You see, here in Cambodia we are not living in an isolated village with no running water or even no internet. I check my facebook everyday. I have a western style bathroom in my house. I can get any American food I want, whenever I want it. As we read the blogs of other SALTers in more remote locations, I think we all start to question the "authenticity" of our experience. Are we missing out on personal growth because we can go sit in a coffee shop whenever we want?
After chatting about this with the girls, I sat down this morning to think about how I have grown so far this year. Of course, it is way to early to predict what the rest of the year will look like. I have to admit I haven't been doing too much of this kind of thinking here. For one, life here takes extra energy most of the time and by the end of the day, I'm usually ready to crash. Second, though I am feeling more and more at home here, part of me is still a little disconnected from myself. So many of the things that I before considered a part of me, just don't really work here (For example, having a busy social calendar- here my social circle is small, and wonderful, and life simply has a more laid back pace). So, when it comes to personal growth, what I've learned can really be summed up in one main point:
I'm learning how to be comfortable being me. If you know me, you know I tend to have a pretty skewed view of myself. A bad habit lingering from pre teen days of self consciousness, comparison, and shyness. Here in Cambodia, I'm finding out that I am capable. I can adjust here and figure things out. I can meet all new people and build relationships. I can trust in a God who is bigger than I understand. Mainly, I can relax and be myself in a new way. Life here takes too much energy to spend time analyzing if people really like me or worrying about the future. This frees me to simply live life. This attitude really opens my eyes to the love all around me. These are all things I'm still just learning, but maybe by the end of the year this new way of thinking will have really sunk in.
So for now my conclusion about having too many conveniences is that God called me to Phnom Penh, not a small village somewhere. I'm here for a purpose. A purpose for me, and I hope a purpose for others. As a side note, people go to serve overseas, but I find I'm being given far more than I have to offer. Its incredibly humbling and brings up all sorts of questions for me about international NGO work (I think I'll wait on those for another post). I think if I spend too much time worrying if I am having 'the right' experience this year, I could miss out having my experience, whatever it is and will be. Of course, this question of having too many conveniences is worth taking out and examining again once and awhile. I never want to spend so much time living in an American bubble in Phnom Penh, that I'm not engaging in Cambodian culture. I have a lifetime to live in America and only 1 year in Cambodia.
So that's my deep thoughts for now. I thought I should give you all a little more insight into what's going on in my head : )
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