Random Thoughts

Last week I was struck down by my first major illness in Cambodia. Nothing uniquely tropical, just the stomach flu. Yuck. There's nothing like being 10,000 miles from home wishing your mom could take care of you. I'm back up to about 75% now after pretty much sleeping for 4 days. This is a summary of my reflections from four days sitting alone watching TV.

I spent the first 2 days holed up in the MCC office, too sick to go home. I did spend the last 2 days at home though. I think it was actually really good for me to be with my host family when I couldn't be exciting or energetic or engaging. I just had to be me, even grumpy, sick me. Strangely enough, I think this was good for my relationship with my family because in real life, not every day is a banner day. I was a part of the family even when I didn't have a lot to offer to the conversation. It felt nice to just relax with them. Also, I felt really cared for and loved.

This sickness also forced me to reflect upon some of the areas I have been fighting God lately. I feel like God and I have been having an ongoing argument about His goodness and control for at least the last 6 months. Sometime during the last few days I finally hit a point of just letting go. Its a good thing to believe in a God who is bigger, stronger, wiser, and lovelier than I am. I'm okay with not knowing, not understanding, not being in control, as long as He is. I can believe in a good God who both gives and takes away. It seems like a small thing when I write it here, but it feels like a big step. I can only be me- not a perfect, super human. And I'm enough, just as I am. Jesus already loves me. I need and love Him, He loves and wants me. That's enough. Talk about peace.

Tomorrow, I head back to Siem Riep for an Asia-wide conference on peacebuilding. Should be fun, interesting, and a nice break from routine. It makes me feel so professional! Hopefully, my body is up to snuff so I can actually concentrate in the sessions!