Personality musings

Last week, MCC did a training session on Meyers Briggs personality types. This is a personality test the gives you four letters representing your type. E or I- extrovert or introvert, N or S- intuition or sensing (how do you gather information?), T or F- thinking or feeling (how do you make decisions?), and P or J- perceiving or judgment (how do you like to organize your world?).

I am an ENFJ- Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Judgment. Simply put this means that I gain energy from being with people, that I am more likely to gather information and make decisions based on my emotions and not analytical thinking, and that I'm organized and a linear thinker. As the staff read their descriptions, we all laughed at how accurate they were. Of course, no personality test is an absolute but I do like this one. Mine did say that I like working with different kinds of people and will seek out opportunities to work internationally!

One of my main struggles in Cambodia, and in life, has been learning to say I like me for me. So after reading about my personality type and facing myself in a whole new context this is what I know about myself now more than ever:

- I will always and forever be a Tacoma girl. I am a city person. I love the diversity of my home. I have deep roots and as much as a I travel and live elsewhere, I will never lose them.
- My family makes me, me. They are solid ground for me. What would I be without conversations while we make dinner, early morning card games on camping trips, constant laughing and talking and togetherness, a place to run when the world gets overwhelming?
- I would rather be with people, in real relationship, than anywhere else. I have lifelong friends that I can rely on for anything, even when 10,000 miles separate us. Being known and really knowing others is when I most feel like me. And I'd do anything for those people.
- I am something of a chicken. I am afraid of birds, rejection, driving vehicles with two wheels- but I'll do anything if I feel like someone is watching out for me. Probably something I inherited for having a great Dad who has always gotten me to be a little bit more adventurous than normal, but was also always holding my hand to make sure I didn't fall.
-I thrive on conversation. Deep one on one talks. Laughing and joking in a group. Arguing politics and global issues even when there's no answers.
- All you have to do to make me trust you is ask my how I'm feeling if I look upset. And I will do the same for you, even if this isn't what you want when you're upset. I just want you to know I care.
- I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, confide in people easily, and not hide my emotions well at all. If I get unusually quiet, I am upset.
- I love swimming, traveling, dancing, camping trips, getting dressed up with the girls, playing cards, coffee, making other people feel loved, and those nights that you expect to be uneventful but end up being the best night ever
- I have learned and am still learning how to trust, love, and believe in Jesus in a world that is full of pain. I don't quite understand it, but more and more I believe He is active in this world. Comforting us, seeking us, His heart breaking over tears cried behind closed doors.
- The way I see myself seems to be left over from a middle school version of me and its not what other people see at all. If you asked me, and I actually answered honestly, I would describe myself as insecure, quiet, a follower not a leader, afraid, usually unwanted. I'm just beginning to see that these things are not me anymore. I don't even know how to change this long time mindset, to begin seeing myself clearly.

Today in the face of being away from home at Christmas, missing traditions, reveling in new adventures and friendships, having people close to me hurting, in a life filled with uncertainty and ambiguity- I want to say all those cheesy things people say to each other about loving yourself, dancing like no one is watching, loving like there's no tomorrow, shining like a firework- they are all true. The reason we repeat them to each other is because they strike something in all of us. And we've got to hold on to that love and confidence.

Next Post: My expat, Cambodian Christmas and vacation

Odd and Ends

Today I feel like writing, but there is no major event to report on. So instead, I am offering up a list:

• Last Friday was my last day of Khmer class. Though I am by no means fluent, I am ready to be done. Its difficult to keep up the energy for it after 3 months, day in day out. I told my sisters that they have to force me to speak more Khmer at home so I do not lose anything I have learned. I do not know if my vocabulary will increase at this point, but I hope that by the end of the year my conversation skills will be more smooth and natural.
  

• The end of language class means that I will finally start working full time at Peace Bridges. Well, at least 30 hours a week. I realize I have not said anything about my job lately. After toiling away for most of November on a qualitative research proposal, my supervisor and I came to the joint conclusion that that project just was not going to work. A little disappointing after so much work, but also kind of a relief because I was definitely in over my head. So now, I am doing a quantitative research evaluation project. A little more manageable. I am working on writing the survey so it can be translated. Its slowly coming together. The plan is the administer the survey in early February. Also, a new Khmer co-worker just started work in our Research, Monitoring, and Evaluation Unit. He really knows what he is doing, probably more than I do. He has been a great help- with the project and also with Khmer and English practice. Overall, the job is good. Its a little too much sitting at a computer time for my taste, but its a good experience. Plus, if I am going to do research, I am glad I am doing it for an organization I believe in. And this kind of capacity building is exactly what Cambodia needs from expats right now.
  

• Being away from home in December does kind of suck. (Of course when I think about the fact that for the last 4 years, I have been taking finals during this week, I am pretty glad to be here!) I miss being home for our family traditions and even the cold weather. On the other hand, it does not really feel like Christmas here, so its easy to carry on with life without being too homesick. (at least so far) My plan is to absolutely not expect it to feel like Christmas at home and just enjoy it for what it will be. Christmas festivities so far have included a day of baking cookies and decorating the tree in the office. On Christmas Eve night, a bunch of people from MCC are having a sleep over and then Christmas breakfast together. Then, the day after Christmas, I leave for a week of vacation- half at the beach and half in Siem Riep. It will not be as good as a family Christmas, but I am happy to share it with my expat family here in Phnom Penh.

• I also wanted to say a little about my church life here. On Sunday mornings, I attend a Khmer church with my sister. Although I really cannot ever follow the sermon, I do really enjoy the service. I love feeling Gods presence so deeply when I cannot even understand the words to the song we are singing. Its a really beautiful experience. And next week I am participating in the Christmas program. I would never, ever agree to sing in front of people at home, but here it seems like a worthwhile way to be a part of the church. And its not a solo or anything! There are a couple of people at the church that I am getting to know a little which feels really wonderful. On Sunday nights, I have started going to a expat house church. It has taken awhile to settle in with this group, but I am starting to get to know people. The community reminds me a lot of my small group in Spokane last year. In fact, my wonderful experience last year led me to seek at a similar group here. Its a good way to meet more people, build intentional relationships, and just have the opportunity to worship in language I understand completely. As I settle into a routine here, my spiritual life is settling in also. What I mean is that at first, with so much rapid change, my brain felt scattered, but now I am returning to my normal equilibrium and both these churches play a big role in that process.

Well, thats all for now. I hope all of you are enjoying cuddling up with hot chocolate and seeing Christmas lights. Because I am missing out on those things now, I give you permission to feel a little sad for me. But when I am lying on a beach in 90 degree weather on December 26th, I will return the favor and feel a little sad for you : )

The Meaning of a 3 Month Slump

All of the many "How to Live Overseas" type books I have read recently agree that at around the 3 month mark you will typically have a slump. Life overseas can be an exercise in living on a roller coaster at times, but for the last month or so I have felt pretty steady and content. Recently though, I have hit this textbook slump.

According to Google, a slump is a heavy or helpless collapse, to fall suddenly or heavily, or a deterioration in quality or performance.

I would say a slump in life overseas is the point when things stop being new and exciting. When you realize work here can be just as boring, stressful, or frustrating as a job at home. When you start to actual look forward to weekends and vacation because you need a break just like in life at home. When this steady routine leaves time for homesickness to creep in.

I am definitely not miserable in any sense of the word. At least once a day, I am overwhelmed by how blessed I am to be here, how much I love this life, and how beautiful cross cultural relationships can be. The thing is, part of this journey is facing your loneliness, your insecurities, your fears- learning to rely on God in another context. Another SALTer just reminded me that we prayed to be made uncomfortable, to be challenged and to grow so how can we turn away when these very things happen?

Its true that all my same baggage and issues followed me right here to Cambodia. The issues that can make life rocky here are the same as the ones at home. Insecurities still creep in to steal my joy. A negative self image still makes me doubt how friends really feel about me. In fact, I would say these issues are actually enlarged here- where my normal escapes are absent. So, I am forced to carry these pains to God in a whole new way. I am forced to say "Jesus, I do not know how to deal with this. I do not know how to change. I cannot feel your love in this moment, but I still believe in it." Learning how to do this is an ongoing challenge and by no means something I have figured out.

So, quite against my natural instincts, I am learning to live in ambiguity. I am learning to leave each day and not worry about the big issues. I am learning to trust in a God who is bigger than me. I am learning to live in my own brokeness and need for God, rather than covering it up in striving to "have it together." Life here seems to require nothing less. Simultaneously, I am looking forward to a vacation at the end of the month where I can hopefully forget I am in Cambodia for awhile and just take a break. Such is life.

So I end with two moments that make all this worth it:
1) My day yesterday: Shopping for fabric with the MCC girls to get clothes made incredibly cheap. Eating a delicious Western lunch and dessert. Having the best massage ever for only 10 bucks. Laughing a lot. Having a friend remind me that I am loved. A great day.

2) This morning: Went to church with my sister, Phealy. Ate breakfast and chatted about boys and work and life and music videos. Worshiped in a language I cannot understand really, but still felt the presence of God deeply in the room. Felt like part of the family.

So this is my 3 month slump. I am slowly figuring it out. I write all this not for sympathy really, but in the hope that all of you at home will know that living overseas is mostly just doing regular life. Ups and downs. Exciting, boring, joyful, silly, frustrating, exhausting, stressful, hopeful, everything.

So thats an update on whats going on inside my head : )