Updates

My thoughts feel a bit scattered this week, so I'm going for bullet points this time around:

• I spent this week in Pre Veng Town- a provincial capital 2 hours from Phnom Penh and the location of MCC's other office in Cambodia. 4 other expats work out there. The 4 SALTers and Kirstin (who I lovingly refer to as our handler, but who is really the coordinator for our program here in Cambodia and the person who makes sure we get to do extra cool stuff without us having to plan it - a very wonderful situation for us) headed out to Pre Veng for a week of visiting MCC partners. Most of the partners in Pre Veng work in agriculture or education. I learned a lot and it was fun to see a totally different sector of MCC's work here besides my normal realm of peace. Plus we visited a few villages to see the partner's work. 'What is good development?' conversations abounded.
  

• I was also in Pre Veng for Easter. The 4 SALTers, the 2 Pre Veng couples, and Kirstin and her husband Daron joined together to celebrate by singing out of the Mennonite hymnal, eating a delicious meal that included cookie dough cheesecake, attempting a ridiculously hard puzzle that was shaped like a wolf, and playing big group games like 4 on the couch. Great holiday.
  

• Visiting Pre Veng is always (this was my third trip) refreshing for the soul- good people, good conversations, laughter, reading my Bible over coffee on the deck, quiet nights, stillness, not being on a computer for a few days, and usually devouring a whole novel. It was so good to socialize with the MCC Pre Vengers and take advantage of their wonderful hospitality.
  

• Last week, I officially passed the been here 8 months mark and the leaving in 3 months mark. Very very strange feeling. I feel torn between being so excited about coming home, fearing what the future holds, and realizing how much I am going to miss it here. Despite all the cross cultural challenges, identity crises, and irritations of this year, Cambodia has seeped into my bones. I can't speak the language, I know only a small circle of people, but I have this sense Cambodia will always be with me. I'm so glad I've had this experience. The next challenge will be not checking out too early and really being here for these 3 months I have left.
  

• In addition to that last point, I am already anticipating how many times I will be asked 'what did you learn? how did you grow?' when I get home. All I can think now is that the answer isn't so simple. Some days I feel confident in saying 'oh I learned to get over my insecurities' and other days those same insecurities are back to bite my heels. Some days I have grand things to say about the beauty of cross cultural relationships and other days I'm far too impatient with cultural differences. This whole year has been a work in progress. Maybe the lessons will be clearer as time goes by, but what I know right now is that this was a year in my life. I learned new things and faced new challenges, just like any other year. I just happened to be blessed with the opportunity to live on the other side of the world. And it has been good. It has been full of laughter, tears, growing, seeing cool things, eating new foods, making a fool of myself, building friendships, learning about who I am and who I want to be, trying to be me in a new context, giving myself grace, and discovering I'm never going to arrive at a put-together life. Who will I be because of this experience? How has it changed me and my future? I don't know, but I know its change for the better.
  

• Finally, though it seems like so many of these posts are about my various identity crises, I seem to be having another one. Someone recently reminded me that I'm still vulnerable and that my emotions are still turned up a notch even after eight months- and that this is normal. So I'm going to give myself some grace and simply say I'm a work in progress. Here's the questions I have been asking lately:

- Is there hope at the end of the tunnel for developing countries? Will Cambodia ever be developed?
- Why do I still care what people think of me? Why do people's perceptions matter so much to me? I don't want to be judged, but I surely judge others.
- Why don't I trust that people love me? I trust sometimes, but its not consistent. I struggle with this, but I still share who I am with people so easily. How do I do that if I have this fear that I will get rejected? It doesn't seem to stop me. That sharing deeply with others so deeply, it feels like the core of who I am, like nothing could really stop me from being myself.
- What's going to happen next year? What if I can't get a job? What if I don't have a safety net?
- What if the future doesn't work out how I have planned?

Big questions. Very few answers. A lot of grace and good friends and good novels. The best advice I've gotten recently is that there is no stage in life where suddenly you have security. We think other people have security, but really they don't. The grass is not only always greener, its artificial. Only through faith can we know that in the end, things work out. Such is life. For now, live in the present.

PS I am going to the beach tomorrow. I love tropical countries.

Khmer New Year Part 2

So I went to the province. . . and it was AWESOME. I spent 5 days and 4 nights in Kampong Thom province, about 3 hours north of Phnom Penh. We stayed with a sister in a village that grows cashews, in the provincial capital with my host mom, and in another village with an aunt. Life in the province and life in Phnom Penh are so different they could be different countries. We did a ton of stuff, met a ton of relatives, and took a ton of photos. (See facebook, coming soon) Here are the highlights:

• Visiting some really hold temples- 600 years older than Angkor Wat (About 1500 or 1600 years old)
• Taking a bath outside, wrapped in a sarong, from a well, with my 3 sisters
• Meeting about a million relatives- families here are BIG
• Staying in a village and experiencing village life- traditional style house, cows, chickens, hammocks, quietness- it improved my understanding of Cambodian culture a lot
  
• Visiting the most sacred site in Cambodia for Buddhists- a mountain with a temple on top containing one of the Buddha's bones
• Playing endless games of the Cambodian version of BINGO (We played for 500 riel a round- I lost 4500 riel- not very lucky I guess!)
• Bonding more with my host sisters. This was the longest uninterrupted time I have spent with them.
• Drinking a coconut that I watched get knocked out of a tree
• Delicious food + no stomach issues
• Eating a fruit that is only harvested at Khmer New Year, only in Kampong Thom province. It tasted like a sour apricot.

The only cons were about 40 mosquito bites and wishing I could speak the language better.

It was truly a privilege to experience this holiday with my sisters. I am so grateful they shared their family with me. And that they consider me- the awkward, bad Khmer speaking foreigner, a member of that family.

Khmer New Year Part 1

Susedie Chnam Tmai!
Happy New Year!

This week is Khmer New Year, possibly the biggest holiday of the year here in Cambodia. This is my third new years for this year- international and Chinese have already passed, both of which are celebrated here too. But this one, Cambodia's new years, in the most important. Tomorrow I leave for my host families' home province to celebrate for 5 days. The holiday is technically the 14, 15, and 16th. Phnom Penh empties and everyone who can afford it goes home to their village and family. People buy gifts for their older relatives. There are traditional games and foods. The whole country rests and laughs and celebrates. (This is actually also Thai and Lao New Year too) Now, I know more about all of the traditions in a few days when I return from the province, so this post is about the build up to new years.

It feels like Christmastime- well not the cold weather or the trees or the baking or the decorations- but the spirit of Christmas. Everyone is in a good mood and pretty relaxed. People are traveling to spend time with their families. Gifts are being bought. Games will be played. Schools are closed for 2 weeks. People have time off of work. There are parties at every workplace. People get bonuses. This is Cambodia's holiday season. And I love it. The vibe of the city right now is so pleasant and joyful. My pre-khmer new year activities have thus far included:

- A party at Peace Bridges, my partner organization including traditional dancing and games and delicious barbequed seafood
- Dinner out with my sisters and one of their friends
- Going out traditional dancing at a club
- A few extra trips out to do fun stuff around the city thanks to my family's new years bonuses

Overall, its been lovely so far. Can't wait to see what lies ahead in the province starting tomorrow!

Advice

Advice from my host sister:

Me: This week I just feel sad.
Sister: Are you homesick?
Me: No, I'm afraid that when I go home, everything will be different and I will be the same.
Sister: Don't worry about tomorrow.
Me: Its hard for me to trust that God has a plan for me.
Sister: When we trust God, he always provides for us. When we don't trust God and pretend like we don't need him, he only answers in a small way. We didn't really ask him for help. When we trust him with everything, when we need him, his answer is big and amazing.

I have a lot of dreams and expectations for next year. I'm afraid of the expectations people may have on me. Someone told me recently that your first year out of college is always hard, no matter where you are, because you have to face real life- all its possibilities good and bad. My sister's advice reminds me that although life is complicated, faith is simple. Faith is simple even when we don't have our lives all planned and when our faith isn't always strong. We were made for simplicity- knowing God and being ourselves. Lesson #3984 learned in Cambodia: Don't over think it. We've been given grace. Don't worry about tomorrow.


Also- I now have plane tickets from Phnom Penh to Pennsylvania for my re-entry retreat with MCC and from PA to home. I arrive home on July 26th. Time to finish strong and then come home to all the people and things I love and who love me : )