- I spent this week in Pre Veng Town- a provincial capital 2 hours from Phnom Penh and the location of MCC's other office in Cambodia. 4 other expats work out there. The 4 SALTers and Kirstin (who I lovingly refer to as our handler, but who is really the coordinator for our program here in Cambodia and the person who makes sure we get to do extra cool stuff without us having to plan it - a very wonderful situation for us) headed out to Pre Veng for a week of visiting MCC partners. Most of the partners in Pre Veng work in agriculture or education. I learned a lot and it was fun to see a totally different sector of MCC's work here besides my normal realm of peace. Plus we visited a few villages to see the partner's work. 'What is good development?' conversations abounded.
- I was also in Pre Veng for Easter. The 4 SALTers, the 2 Pre Veng couples, and Kirstin and her husband Daron joined together to celebrate by singing out of the Mennonite hymnal, eating a delicious meal that included cookie dough cheesecake, attempting a ridiculously hard puzzle that was shaped like a wolf, and playing big group games like 4 on the couch. Great holiday.
- Visiting Pre Veng is always (this was my third trip) refreshing for the soul- good people, good conversations, laughter, reading my Bible over coffee on the deck, quiet nights, stillness, not being on a computer for a few days, and usually devouring a whole novel. It was so good to socialize with the MCC Pre Vengers and take advantage of their wonderful hospitality.
- Last week, I officially passed the been here 8 months mark and the leaving in 3 months mark. Very very strange feeling. I feel torn between being so excited about coming home, fearing what the future holds, and realizing how much I am going to miss it here. Despite all the cross cultural challenges, identity crises, and irritations of this year, Cambodia has seeped into my bones. I can't speak the language, I know only a small circle of people, but I have this sense Cambodia will always be with me. I'm so glad I've had this experience. The next challenge will be not checking out too early and really being here for these 3 months I have left.
- In addition to that last point, I am already anticipating how many times I will be asked 'what did you learn? how did you grow?' when I get home. All I can think now is that the answer isn't so simple. Some days I feel confident in saying 'oh I learned to get over my insecurities' and other days those same insecurities are back to bite my heels. Some days I have grand things to say about the beauty of cross cultural relationships and other days I'm far too impatient with cultural differences. This whole year has been a work in progress. Maybe the lessons will be clearer as time goes by, but what I know right now is that this was a year in my life. I learned new things and faced new challenges, just like any other year. I just happened to be blessed with the opportunity to live on the other side of the world. And it has been good. It has been full of laughter, tears, growing, seeing cool things, eating new foods, making a fool of myself, building friendships, learning about who I am and who I want to be, trying to be me in a new context, giving myself grace, and discovering I'm never going to arrive at a put-together life. Who will I be because of this experience? How has it changed me and my future? I don't know, but I know its change for the better.
- Finally, though it seems like so many of these posts are about my various identity crises, I seem to be having another one. Someone recently reminded me that I'm still vulnerable and that my emotions are still turned up a notch even after eight months- and that this is normal. So I'm going to give myself some grace and simply say I'm a work in progress. Here's the questions I have been asking lately:
- Why do I still care what people think of me? Why do people's perceptions matter so much to me? I don't want to be judged, but I surely judge others.
- Why don't I trust that people love me? I trust sometimes, but its not consistent. I struggle with this, but I still share who I am with people so easily. How do I do that if I have this fear that I will get rejected? It doesn't seem to stop me. That sharing deeply with others so deeply, it feels like the core of who I am, like nothing could really stop me from being myself.
- What's going to happen next year? What if I can't get a job? What if I don't have a safety net?
- What if the future doesn't work out how I have planned?
Big questions. Very few answers. A lot of grace and good friends and good novels. The best advice I've gotten recently is that there is no stage in life where suddenly you have security. We think other people have security, but really they don't. The grass is not only always greener, its artificial. Only through faith can we know that in the end, things work out. Such is life. For now, live in the present.
PS I am going to the beach tomorrow. I love tropical countries.
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