Less than 2 weeks

With less than 2 weeks to go until I leave Cambodia and 3 until I arrive home, I am out of ideas for this blog. I may consider continue it next year during my Americorps adventures in Seattle, but I'm not sure. I'm looking forward to living my life a little more offline, when I can see more people face to face.

In case you didn't know, starting in September I will be living in Seattle and working for Americorps at an organization called ACRS. Americorps in the home-version of peace corps. Basically, I get a stipend (enough to live on, but not save much), health insurance, and a grant at the end to put toward my students loans (a very sweet deal, and I get to defer them for the service term). At ACRS, I will be helping Asian immigrants and refugees find jobs and prepare to take the citizenship test. The job will be a lot of teaching, which will be something totally new to me. I'm looking forward to having more face time with an organization's beneficiaries. I think I'm at my best when I'm working with people, not when I'm sitting behind a desk. And I will still get to work with Cambodians! I think its a great opportunity for continuity between this year with SALT and the year to come. All in all, this job is making for a more stress free transition. I am so grateful to have found something before I even get back. Now, I get the month of August to relax, adjust, and see people.

In my last entry, I made a list of random things I am looking forward to and all those still stand. I have to admit I am nearly constantly imagining that moment I come down the escalator to baggage claim in Seattle and the moment the plane leaves the ground here in Phnom Penh. Mostly, I just feel incredibly grateful for this experience. I feel like the most confident version of myself I have ever been. And I feel peace about coming home and enjoying being where my roots are for the time being.

And now, for whirlwind gift buying, goodbye parties, and packing. See you in Tacoma!

People

4 weeks to go and I'm busy buying gifts, wrapping up work stuff, checking things off of the "things to do before I go" list. My joy at the thought of being home is growing by leaps and bounds. Skype is becoming a less and less satisfying way of communicating with the people I love. Each moment with my host sisters is feeling more and more precious. Its a process of letting go and moving forward.

And of course, because this is me we are talking about, I've been pondering my fair share of deep thoughts. How did this year go by so fast? Has it really been a year since I've see all the people I love and rely on most? How have I changed? Will people see a difference? How should I say goodbye? Where am I headed? What will the future be like?

I think I most struck by how many absolutely wonderful people I have in my life, here and at home.

Here, I'm blessed with a host family, co-workers, and friends who love me, encourage me, put up with me, and laugh with me all the time. They will be hard to leave behind.

At home, I have great parents and family who are preparing to welcome me back. I have friends who have been in my life since elementary school and probably know me better than anyone besides my parents. I have friends who I met at Whitworth scattered all over the US now, but keeping in touch.

That's a lot of people. People who have changed me, loved me unconditionally, been an example to me, and argued with me when I needed to get over myself. I'm so, so grateful. It's an amazing blessing to know so many great people, now spanning two countries. So as I enter this time of transition, I'll be thinking of all of you. With you supporting me, how could I fail?

On a lighter note, here's 10 things I'm looking forward to besides people:
1) Driving my car again, who I am rechristening "Mabel" because she is getting along in years
2) Drinking a glass of milk- a lifelong daily habit that I have had to put on hold
3) Sleeping with a comforter, snuggling up in my bed
4) Sleeping in past 8am
5) Moving to Seattle!
6) Having an oven at home- eating food that isn't fried or boiled
7) Eating salad- uncooked veggies, yum
8) Wearing jeans
9) Wearing jackets/sweaters- being cold in general
10) Having the ability to wear my hair down without it being disgustingly sweaty by the end of the day

Reverse Culture Shock

6 weeks. Only 6 weeks until I leave Cambodia, 7 or so until I arrive home.

So, I'm thinking about coming home. The process of coming home. Because its not just stepping on a plane, traveling a grueling 30 hours, and stepping off in the good ol' US of A. Its a much more psychological, symbolic journey than that. Just like leaving home was. Here's what I know:

- In September, I'll be moving to Seattle with my good friend Amanda and several of her friends. We'll have a lovely house and hopefully I'll have a lovely job to pay for it.
- I'm excited to see friends and family again. And to know all the social cues in any given situation. And to speak the main language of the place where I live fluently. For some parts of life to be just a little bit easier.
- I'm nervous about finding a job, re-establishing relationships, and going through a period of transition.
- I'll miss Cambodia. A lot. Last night was the first time I realized just how sad I will be to leave here. To leave people here. To leave all the laughter and friendships and adventures behind.

Everyone knows that when you move to a new country, you usually experience culture shock. There's the beginning honeymoon phase of wide eyes, the following crash of missing home and being confused, and the eventual adjustment to a new way of living and thinking. And the various ups and downs that follow. Most people would be surprised to hear that, according the experts, the same thing happens when you return to your home country- Reverse Culture Shock. You would think that everything about returning home is easy- familiar people, food, language, etc. But the thing is, your life in a new country changed you. In ways you can't even quantify. And home looks different. Some people say that re-entry is actually a much longer process than moving to a new place. Typical side effects include: being increasingly negative about your home country and forgetting positive things about being home, being increasingly positive about the country you lived in and forgetting the negative things about living there, taking all this out on people at home,withdrawing, being overly emotional, etc. Your best weapon is recognizing that this is all going on. It happens to everyone and it seems the best thing you can do is give yourself some grace and get through it. Know you're not crazy for wanting to go overseas again.

So basically, what I am saying is- I'm warning you. I don't know how much all of this will effect me or if it will be really noticeable. But I do know that I feel somewhat disconnected to life at home. Not from the people I love, but from the me I was before I left. And I can't figure out why. I can't label what has changed about me, but I expect it will become more clear after I come home. I'm not sure how I will be the new me back in my original context. So I promise- I love you all, I'm dying to see you, I want to be home again- but I might be a little crazy for a few weeks. Thanks for the grace. According to one book, the best thing friends and family can do is to just listen while I complain and pass me another bowl of ice cream. Good advice I think ; )

My Birthday

My marked the beginning of my 23rd year with a few celebrations:

- Lunch out with MCC staff on my actual birthday. Delicious hamburgers. Yum.

- Birthday cake made by my coworker and friend Grace. And it was chocolate. Yum.

- Joint birthday party with my host sister Phealy who turned 20 on the 25th. We invited all our friends, foreigner and Khmer, to celebrate with cross cultural food and a boat cruise on the Mekong. It was so fun- despite weather keeping us at the dock for have the allotted time. Oh well. The party was a great meshing together of my two circles in Cambodia- MCC and my host family connections. I wanted to make an American birthday cake for the occasion and as my friend pointed out, a cake from a box is the most American cake I could make. I've never seen people be so thrilled about a cake out of box. People who first shied away from piece, ate happily after I mentioned the box. Who would have thought expats could miss packaged food so much?

- An hilarious music video posted on my facebook made by two great friends from home. It made me unstoppably happy.

- And finally, gifts and cards mailed from home in advance from my parents, grandparents, and brother and sister-in-law.

A lovely birthday indeed.

In other news, I will be leaving Cambodia in 7 weeks. Unbelievable. I think all of the SALTers have slipped into going home soon mode, buying gifts and talking about re-entry. I'm applying for jobs so keep me in your prayers. Here's to a great last few weeks!

Nevers and Firsts

Nevers:
This year I have never:
1) Worn mascara
2) Used Pandora to listen to music (US only- boo)
3) Driven a car
4) Eaten my favorite foods that my mom cooks- macaroni salad, balsamic chicken, salmon . . .
5) Watched a movie musical - though I did see a play musical and Glee makes weekly appearances in my life
6) Sunk into a couch- you know that feeling when a couch is so comfortable. Aww. Furniture here is hard or non-existent. Even a slightly fluffy couch brings joy.
7) Been somewhere that has carpet
8) Blow dried my hair
9) Made a silly video with my friends
10) Worn a tank top outside of the house (except for a few dresses while on vacation)

Firsts:
This year, for the first time, I
1) Ate a cricket, a spider leg, lobster, egg with duck fetus inside, pizza with seafood on top, insect larvae, and eel. (okay, okay, delicious, gross, okay, gross, tastes like chicken but with bones like fish)
2) Took a bucket shower
3) Wrote a real life research proposal
4) Had a professional massage
5) Wore the traditional clothes of another culture
6) Went to an international conference about peacebuilding
7) Sang karaoke in a public place
8) Learned to like Korean pop music
9) Had whole conversations in a foreign language
10) Wore fake eyelashes

Lists

(Christine I promise I will try to stop stealing your blog ideas!)

Things I still need to take pictures of:
1) Tuk Tuk
2) Me wearing my helmet
3) Independence Monument/sites in Phnom Penh
4) Markets
5) Streets in Phnom Penh
6) All my friends

Things I still need to see/do:
1) Go to Brown, my expat friends favorite coffee shop
2) Visit all the NGO social enterprises selling cool gifts/souvenirs
3) Buy fabric and have professional clothes made for cheap
4) Have another cheap, amazing massage because I will never be willing to spend $100 on a massage in the States
5) Cruise the waterfront at night a few more times
6) Eat my weight in mangoes, rambutin, watermelon, papaya, and dragon fruit
7) Get a good enough tan to make people at home jealous
8) Purchase earrings for SALT earring exchange. Do not put this off til the last minute
9) Plenty of quality time with my host sisters
10) Drink many $2 fancy coffees, eat many $1.25 delicious desserts, enjoy the fact that a $5 meal out is an expensive meal
11) Participate in roadside aerobics/dance class
12) Hold MCC baby, Cedar, a lot
13) Go dancing with host sisters again
14) Figure out how to take home more than I brought but still use only one suitcase

Things to think about:
1) Going home- what does that mean? What are my expectations? (That I probably should drop. The #1 characteristic of a good overseas worker is low expectations)
2) Must find job.
3) How to I sum up this experience for others? All the difficult and wonderful things about being here. All the many sides of what Cambodia is - post-conflict, stable, poor, wealthy, urban, rural, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, developing and underdeveloped.
4) Accept that I will be in transition for awhile. Its okay. Its not forever.
5) Will I miss rice?

The Beginning of Thinking about Coming Home

Excerpt from The Two Gretels by Robin Morgan

The two Gretels were exploring the forest.
Hansel was home,
sending up flares.

Sometimes one Gretel got afraid.
She said to the other Gretel,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Gretel replied.

Sometimes the other Gretel whispered,
with a shiver,
"You think we should turn back?"
To which her sister Gretel answered,
"We can't. We forgot the breadcrumbs."

So, they went forward
because
they simply couldn't imagine the way back.


Words of Institution

On the night before he was killed,
Jesus was having dinner with his friends.
Things in Rome and Jerusalem were pretty dicey,
and his friends were afraid.

Peter said to Jesus,
"I think I'm afraid."
"Of course we are," Jesus replied.

Mary Magdalene took the bread and whispered,
with a shiver,
"Do you think we should drop the crumbs,
so we can find our way back?"
To which Jesus answered,
"We can't. We need bread for the journey forward."

With that, he took the breadcrumbs, gave thanks,
and shared them with his friends.
"These breadcrumbs will help you find your way," he said.
"Eat them, all of you. They will make you strong and wise."

Then he took the cup, gave thanks,
and shared it with his friends.
"This is the cup of life," he told them.
"Drink of it, all of you;
it will help you to go forward,
to discover who God has created you to be."

And they did.
Jesus and his friends ate and drank and went forward together,
despite their fears,
because they simply couldn't imagine the way back.



Credit goes to Christine Barker's blog for this one. I will be different. You will be different. Our relationships will be different. But I'm looking forward to reuniting and building something new.

MCC Cambodia

Some of the reasons why I'm grateful for the MCC Cambodia Team:

• We have been thrown together because of work, but we get along really well.
  
• Long lunch time discussions about politics
• Whenever any one has an event- birthday party, baby dedication, family visiting- we turn out en mass.
• People that were here before me invited me warmly into their social circle, even offering me their friends as my friends.
• We can laugh together
• We celebrate holidays together and it is fun enough to ward of homesickness most of the time.
• We all seem to be almost always welcome at each other's houses.
  
• All of the moto drivers among them have given me countless rides and always make sure I get home safe if its after dark.
• Some of them have an adorable baby that I like a lot.
  
• We can vent together
• And finally, we are a pretty tight knit community overall. I know I can count on each of them.
  

Koh Kong

Two weekend ago I spent 2 nights in Koh Kong province with my host sister Phealy and her friend Mouy. We had plans to go to Kampong Som, the main beach town, but at the last minute we changed to Koh Kong, a beach town closer to Thailand. And it was

Gorgeous.

I mean green trees, rolling hills (Cambodia is very, very flat), cooler weather, pristine beaches, and red, red earth. (Pictures on Facebook!)

Here's the highlights:

• Vacationing with my host sister. We have so much fun together and it was great to break up the routine.
• Visiting Safariworld- zoo meets Seaworld type shows meets the developing world. Quite impressive for Cambodia. Highlights of this include a tiger jumping through a ring of fire, Phealy going on stage and getting kissed by a dolphin, and seeing a guy put his head in a crocodile's mouth.
• Swimming in a very pretty river
• Swimming at a pristine, warm ocean beach
• Watching the TV in our hotel room catch on fire. Scary at the time, hilarious and random now
• Visiting a mangrove tree forest
• Driving around the countryside on a motorbike (only as a passenger!)
• Posing for a million pictures
• Watching 2 gorgeous sunsets

Who I Want to Be

Sometimes I feel the need to write a damn-it-all-to-hell, I will survive poem.

These usually aren't my best days. Days spent vainly searching for inspirational quotes on the internet and wondering how much I can talk to other people without appearing too needy. Days where I feel overwhelmed by my emotions and disconnected from my real self. Days where my living-overseas-vulnerability catches up with me and blows things out of proportion.

But sometimes I need to declare I will make it- if only for me to hear.

Do you hear me World? I will make it.
I'm stronger than you think.
I'm worth more than you think. . . And more than I sometimes think.
I won't settle for less than I am worth.
I won't see my dreams forgotten or laid aside.
I refuse to leave behind my ideals.
World- I won't listen to your expectations- career, husband, house, security.
Money- I won't be deceived by your promises.
Cynicism- I won't give into your bitterness.

Cynicism, bitterness, resignation, passivity - they are the easy way out.
Its easier to give up than it is to dream.
Its easier to complain than it is to make change.
Its easier to float through life than it is to make a stand.
Its easier to resign yourself to how life beats you down than it is to have faith in the face of all odds.

No--

I choose to cling to good thoughts, to hope, to dreams.
I will surround myself with inspiring people, people who remind me to run my race with passion, not complacency.
I will live my life with purpose.

I may be fragile, I may be young, but I have strength you don't know about.
Strength that had changed lives, healed hearts, raised the dead, and saved us all.

I will stumble, but I will recover.
I will lose faith, but I will be restored in love.
I will make mistakes, but there is always grace.
I will accept the consequences of my decisions, because they are my choices to make.
I will long for security, but I will learn to find in the only place it really exists- in Christ.


And I will keep going forward, because fear will not control my life.
I am a new creation.

Updates

My thoughts feel a bit scattered this week, so I'm going for bullet points this time around:

• I spent this week in Pre Veng Town- a provincial capital 2 hours from Phnom Penh and the location of MCC's other office in Cambodia. 4 other expats work out there. The 4 SALTers and Kirstin (who I lovingly refer to as our handler, but who is really the coordinator for our program here in Cambodia and the person who makes sure we get to do extra cool stuff without us having to plan it - a very wonderful situation for us) headed out to Pre Veng for a week of visiting MCC partners. Most of the partners in Pre Veng work in agriculture or education. I learned a lot and it was fun to see a totally different sector of MCC's work here besides my normal realm of peace. Plus we visited a few villages to see the partner's work. 'What is good development?' conversations abounded.
  

• I was also in Pre Veng for Easter. The 4 SALTers, the 2 Pre Veng couples, and Kirstin and her husband Daron joined together to celebrate by singing out of the Mennonite hymnal, eating a delicious meal that included cookie dough cheesecake, attempting a ridiculously hard puzzle that was shaped like a wolf, and playing big group games like 4 on the couch. Great holiday.
  

• Visiting Pre Veng is always (this was my third trip) refreshing for the soul- good people, good conversations, laughter, reading my Bible over coffee on the deck, quiet nights, stillness, not being on a computer for a few days, and usually devouring a whole novel. It was so good to socialize with the MCC Pre Vengers and take advantage of their wonderful hospitality.
  

• Last week, I officially passed the been here 8 months mark and the leaving in 3 months mark. Very very strange feeling. I feel torn between being so excited about coming home, fearing what the future holds, and realizing how much I am going to miss it here. Despite all the cross cultural challenges, identity crises, and irritations of this year, Cambodia has seeped into my bones. I can't speak the language, I know only a small circle of people, but I have this sense Cambodia will always be with me. I'm so glad I've had this experience. The next challenge will be not checking out too early and really being here for these 3 months I have left.
  

• In addition to that last point, I am already anticipating how many times I will be asked 'what did you learn? how did you grow?' when I get home. All I can think now is that the answer isn't so simple. Some days I feel confident in saying 'oh I learned to get over my insecurities' and other days those same insecurities are back to bite my heels. Some days I have grand things to say about the beauty of cross cultural relationships and other days I'm far too impatient with cultural differences. This whole year has been a work in progress. Maybe the lessons will be clearer as time goes by, but what I know right now is that this was a year in my life. I learned new things and faced new challenges, just like any other year. I just happened to be blessed with the opportunity to live on the other side of the world. And it has been good. It has been full of laughter, tears, growing, seeing cool things, eating new foods, making a fool of myself, building friendships, learning about who I am and who I want to be, trying to be me in a new context, giving myself grace, and discovering I'm never going to arrive at a put-together life. Who will I be because of this experience? How has it changed me and my future? I don't know, but I know its change for the better.
  

• Finally, though it seems like so many of these posts are about my various identity crises, I seem to be having another one. Someone recently reminded me that I'm still vulnerable and that my emotions are still turned up a notch even after eight months- and that this is normal. So I'm going to give myself some grace and simply say I'm a work in progress. Here's the questions I have been asking lately:

- Is there hope at the end of the tunnel for developing countries? Will Cambodia ever be developed?
- Why do I still care what people think of me? Why do people's perceptions matter so much to me? I don't want to be judged, but I surely judge others.
- Why don't I trust that people love me? I trust sometimes, but its not consistent. I struggle with this, but I still share who I am with people so easily. How do I do that if I have this fear that I will get rejected? It doesn't seem to stop me. That sharing deeply with others so deeply, it feels like the core of who I am, like nothing could really stop me from being myself.
- What's going to happen next year? What if I can't get a job? What if I don't have a safety net?
- What if the future doesn't work out how I have planned?

Big questions. Very few answers. A lot of grace and good friends and good novels. The best advice I've gotten recently is that there is no stage in life where suddenly you have security. We think other people have security, but really they don't. The grass is not only always greener, its artificial. Only through faith can we know that in the end, things work out. Such is life. For now, live in the present.

PS I am going to the beach tomorrow. I love tropical countries.

Khmer New Year Part 2

So I went to the province. . . and it was AWESOME. I spent 5 days and 4 nights in Kampong Thom province, about 3 hours north of Phnom Penh. We stayed with a sister in a village that grows cashews, in the provincial capital with my host mom, and in another village with an aunt. Life in the province and life in Phnom Penh are so different they could be different countries. We did a ton of stuff, met a ton of relatives, and took a ton of photos. (See facebook, coming soon) Here are the highlights:

• Visiting some really hold temples- 600 years older than Angkor Wat (About 1500 or 1600 years old)
• Taking a bath outside, wrapped in a sarong, from a well, with my 3 sisters
• Meeting about a million relatives- families here are BIG
• Staying in a village and experiencing village life- traditional style house, cows, chickens, hammocks, quietness- it improved my understanding of Cambodian culture a lot
  
• Visiting the most sacred site in Cambodia for Buddhists- a mountain with a temple on top containing one of the Buddha's bones
• Playing endless games of the Cambodian version of BINGO (We played for 500 riel a round- I lost 4500 riel- not very lucky I guess!)
• Bonding more with my host sisters. This was the longest uninterrupted time I have spent with them.
• Drinking a coconut that I watched get knocked out of a tree
• Delicious food + no stomach issues
• Eating a fruit that is only harvested at Khmer New Year, only in Kampong Thom province. It tasted like a sour apricot.

The only cons were about 40 mosquito bites and wishing I could speak the language better.

It was truly a privilege to experience this holiday with my sisters. I am so grateful they shared their family with me. And that they consider me- the awkward, bad Khmer speaking foreigner, a member of that family.

Khmer New Year Part 1

Susedie Chnam Tmai!
Happy New Year!

This week is Khmer New Year, possibly the biggest holiday of the year here in Cambodia. This is my third new years for this year- international and Chinese have already passed, both of which are celebrated here too. But this one, Cambodia's new years, in the most important. Tomorrow I leave for my host families' home province to celebrate for 5 days. The holiday is technically the 14, 15, and 16th. Phnom Penh empties and everyone who can afford it goes home to their village and family. People buy gifts for their older relatives. There are traditional games and foods. The whole country rests and laughs and celebrates. (This is actually also Thai and Lao New Year too) Now, I know more about all of the traditions in a few days when I return from the province, so this post is about the build up to new years.

It feels like Christmastime- well not the cold weather or the trees or the baking or the decorations- but the spirit of Christmas. Everyone is in a good mood and pretty relaxed. People are traveling to spend time with their families. Gifts are being bought. Games will be played. Schools are closed for 2 weeks. People have time off of work. There are parties at every workplace. People get bonuses. This is Cambodia's holiday season. And I love it. The vibe of the city right now is so pleasant and joyful. My pre-khmer new year activities have thus far included:

- A party at Peace Bridges, my partner organization including traditional dancing and games and delicious barbequed seafood
- Dinner out with my sisters and one of their friends
- Going out traditional dancing at a club
- A few extra trips out to do fun stuff around the city thanks to my family's new years bonuses

Overall, its been lovely so far. Can't wait to see what lies ahead in the province starting tomorrow!

Advice

Advice from my host sister:

Me: This week I just feel sad.
Sister: Are you homesick?
Me: No, I'm afraid that when I go home, everything will be different and I will be the same.
Sister: Don't worry about tomorrow.
Me: Its hard for me to trust that God has a plan for me.
Sister: When we trust God, he always provides for us. When we don't trust God and pretend like we don't need him, he only answers in a small way. We didn't really ask him for help. When we trust him with everything, when we need him, his answer is big and amazing.

I have a lot of dreams and expectations for next year. I'm afraid of the expectations people may have on me. Someone told me recently that your first year out of college is always hard, no matter where you are, because you have to face real life- all its possibilities good and bad. My sister's advice reminds me that although life is complicated, faith is simple. Faith is simple even when we don't have our lives all planned and when our faith isn't always strong. We were made for simplicity- knowing God and being ourselves. Lesson #3984 learned in Cambodia: Don't over think it. We've been given grace. Don't worry about tomorrow.


Also- I now have plane tickets from Phnom Penh to Pennsylvania for my re-entry retreat with MCC and from PA to home. I arrive home on July 26th. Time to finish strong and then come home to all the people and things I love and who love me : )

Khmer Rouge Tribunal

Yesterday, I watched part of the ongoing, UN sponsored Khmer Rouge Tribunal. Basically, just before the final surrender of the KR in 1998, Cambodia asked the UN to help it find a way to try high ranking KR officials. After years of debate about what the court should look like, the tribunal opened in 2007. Its unique in that its actually taking place in Cambodia and that its a joint project between Cambodia and the UN. There are Cambodian and foreign judges, defenders, and prosecutors. Its purpose is to try the highest ranking members of the KR. Pol Pot, the leader, died in 1998, so he can't be prosecuted. Its completely unreasonable to try regular soldiers or supporters because that is a lot of people who have re-entered Cambodian society as productive citizens. (Also, many of these people only joined the KR to protect the lives of their own families) The goal of the tribunal is to try to bring about justice for the victims' families and bring some closure for the whole nation. So far 5 people have been accused before the tribunal. Only 1 trial has been completed, in which the man in charge of the main torture center was found guilty and sentenced to 30 years in prison (life is prison is the worst sentence possible because the death penalty in unconstitutional in Cambodia- one area where they have us beat- plus all the people are quite old already anyway). We went to see part of this man's appeal. Although he confessed during the trial and expressed remorse, he still pleaded not guilty. Now he is appealing saying that he was not a high ranking official and was just following orders to avoid the killing of his own family and therefore does not fall under the mandate of the court.

What we saw was quite boring, court mumbo jumbo, but the whole idea of the trials is interesting. They feel like a strange imposition of Western ways on Cambodia. In the west, we say remember bad things that happen so they don't happen again. In Cambodia, some agree with this but many would say don't talk about bad things or else they will happen again. But there has to be some kind of justice, some kind of trial, doesn't there?

Also, what is justice in this case anyway? The killing fields were 30 years ago. The people being prosecuted are in their 70s and 80s and no one except for the first man has shown any remorse at all. In my opinion, the bulk of Cambodians aren't paying too close of attention to the trials anyway. Sitting in that courtroom, it didn't feel like justice in action. It felt like mankind's attempt to maintain an equilibrium in the world. You do bad things, bad things happen to you. We have to believe that's true or else we'd go crazy. So maybe we need to create that sense of control, even if its shallow- simply because life has to go on. I don't know. They are very big questions with no answers but very interesting to think about.

Thailand!

Last week, I spent 4 days or so in Bangkok, Thailand. One other SALTer in Cambodia, LynAnne, and I met up with a SALTer in Laos, Whitney. This was a crazy last minute planned trip, totally southeast asia style, and we went in with our only expectation being 'Starbucks please.' And like all last minute planned things in SE Asia, it worked out pretty dang well. Here are the high lights:

• Street food- very different than the stuff you see in Cambodia. I loved the custard cups, fresh squeezed orange juice, burrito (I know, I don't think it was actually Thai lol), and grilled chicken.
  
• Great conversations with LynAnne and Whitney comparing experiences, joys and frustrations. It felt like our own mini mid year retreat. I feel very refreshed to return to my life in Cambodia for the remaining 4 ish months.
• Grand Palace- one word: Sparkly
• Reclining Buddha- 40 meters of giant, golden, Buddha-ness. The most impressive Buddha I've seen this year- and I've seen quite a lot
• The joy of being in malls again. Phnom Penh has two, but the ones in Bangkok are nicer than any I've ever been to in the States. Think Gucci, Versace, Burberry- nothing we could afford in there!
• Seeing Andy and Lana, our regional MCC reps, and their new arrival, Aaron. They had been in town for the birth and headed back to Cambodia a day before us. So, we were officially the first to see him on the MCC team. : ) Very cute.
• Seeing a movie in a movie theater- even if it was a depressing European movie
• Visiting a floating market- a market on two sides of a river, with some people selling food right off their boats.
  
• A boat trip on the Mekong at night to see fireflies- 1000s of them
• And of course, Starbucks- twice. Yum.
  

One other thought- we discovered a funny and sometimes frustrating phenomenon in Bangkok (I like to call it the Bangkok Tourist Conspiracy). There's this scam where while you are happily walking down the street to your destination with your map, a nice Thai person strikes up a conversation. Where are you going? The Grand Palace. Oh its closed this morning. (a tuk tuk happens to pull up alongside you). You should take this tuk tuk to see the standing Buddha. Its free today, but it usually costs money. You really should go. I'll negotiate the price with this tuk tuk for you. And in you get, only to discover that the Grand Palace isn't closed, the standing Buddha is always free, and that really wasn't a nice man at all but a guy who knew you were an easy target and was in cahoots with the tuk tuk driver. We fell for the scheme once, seeing not the standing Buddha but another pagoda. We then realized this happens all the time. We must have been told the Grand Palace and other attractions were closed and we should go to the standing Buddha by at least 6 people over the course of the few days- totally random people, including one in a totally fake tourist police costume. I couldn't believe it! We quickly learned to ignore tuk tuk drivers completely. The high light is its now a running joke that our experience in Bangkok wasn't really complete because we didn't see the standing Buddha! ha!

Bangkok was great, a massive, cosmopolitan megopolis. But, I'm glad to be back in Phnom Penh, my home away from home. Its amazing how much speaking the language even a little makes life easier. I'm suddenly more grateful for Phnom Penh's negotiable traffic, friendly people, more laid back pace. This year may be ruining my ability to be just a tourist. But, its good to be reminded how much I love this place- and I have less than 4 months to go! Crazy

The Host Family Experience

Looking back, I've mentioned and praised my host family on this blog numerous times. I've told you their names, my initial fears, and how much I love them now. I thought I would use this post to expand a little bit on what it means to live with a host family. The 60 SALTers spread out around the world are having a wide variety of experiences. Some are living with other foreigners for securities sake, some are living with ethnic minorities, some have host parents, some have only host siblings like me, some are living with fellow Christians and some are not, and its inevitable that some aren't in love with their host family experience. Host families seem to be one of the main things that cause new SALTers worry. Will I be able to communicate? Will they like me? Will I be uncomfortable all the time?

My host family experience has been down right fantastic. Sure, I have moments of uncomfortable-ness and awkwardness, but the relationships I have with my 3 host sisters have real depth and are truly rewarding. They also serve as the best gatekeepers into Cambodian culture and relationships with other Cambodians. I get to do and see so many things with them that I never could otherwise. I've been completely convinced that every overseas worker should at least do a home stay because the experience is vital. So here's a few facts I've learned about life with host families:

1) Expect to be nervous and awkward at first. Expect 6 weeks of it being exhausting to be at home, of it not feeling like home.

2)Expect to be at work on a Friday on week 7 or 8 and suddenly realize that you actually want to go home, that home sounds relaxing- BREAKTHROUGH

3) Expect to have all the out of town relatives come into town just to meet you

4) Even though its hard at the beginning, force yourself to hang out with your family- those hours will pay off later when you don't need to force yourself anymore

5) Give yourself space- its okay to leave the house on a saturday if you're starting to get restless or homesick

6) Enjoy unexpected things in common- for me a love of going dancing

7) Enjoy the fact that relationships can happen even when communication is limited by a language barrier

8) Savor the moments you know you are a part of the family- for me when your sister says 'you love all the things we love' and 'it would have been more fun if you were there' and being trusted with the history of the family, good and bad.

9) Realize how we are all the same- like when my sister says 'hurry up Nicole, American Idol is on' or when we all pray together

10) Enjoy how we are all different- like when you can't quite understand why no one plans anything in advance ever, but you just kind of go with it all the time and learn to love the unexpected fun things that happen

I'm so grateful my host family experience has been positive. This would have been such a different year if I hadn't felt so loved and wanted in my temporary home.

The next new experience I will share them- going to their home province for Khmer New Year in mid-April : )

2 nights in Battambang

Battambang, Battambang, Battambang - roles off the tongue doesn't it?

Battambang is the provincial capital of Battambang province in northwest Cambodia close to the Thai border. My fellow MCCer, Grace, and I decided to spend two nights there because we were already headed in that direction for a MCC staff retreat last weekend. The retreat was in Siem Riep and was good but no new interesting stories since it was my fourth trip there. (except for maybe a beautiful, handmade silk scarf for 20 bucks)

So last Monday, Grace and I hopped a bus to Battambang, checked into an $8 a night guesthouse, and had good khmer food and delicious smoothies (or fruit shakes as they are known here) for dinner. Battambang is the third largest city in Cambodia, maybe about 100,000 people, but I would still categorize it as a sleepy little town. We quickly realized that there were more foreigners in Battambang than we expected- but they were all hardcore backpackers. Battambang is a little off the beaten trail for regular tourists. Along with this realization, we acknowledged that we are in fact, not cool enough, or dirty enough, to be backpackers. But we can speak some Khmer, which ups our cool factor by like 10. So, we composed this haiku in honor of the Battambang backpackers:

Hardcore backpackers
always scuzzy, always cheap
is this really fun?

We spent our one full day in Battambang on a countryside tour with Mr. Tin Tin, a guide recommended by another MCCer. Tin Tin is a french children's book character that you see around Cambodia on T-shirts. (Which ofcourse Mr. Tin Tin was wearing to complete his look) First stop, the bamboo train. There's a rail line from Phnom Penh, through Battambang, to the Thai border made by the French in the 1930s. However, a lot of it is damaged now, so the line isn't in use. This situation gave birth to bamboo trains- carts made out of bamboo on train wheels that can be removed the tracks simply by lifting them- ie a cheap mode of transportation and a tourist attraction simultaneously. So after paying 5 bucks, we hopped on the bamboo train for a quick jaunt to the next station. It feels something like flying and something like you are about to derail at any moment. So fun. On our return trip however, the heavens opened up and it poured. I mean poured. There is no roof in a flat cart. Now, rainy season in Cambodia is from July-ish to November. It is not suppose to rain at all for another 4 months! So we were surprised, and soaked, and laughing hysterically. Very memorable.

The rest of the morning was spent touring through villages. We saw people making rice noodles, rice paper, fish paste, and sticky rice desserts. (umm, you can do a lot of stuff with rice) We saw a pre-French Buddhist temple (a wat) that was used as a prison under the Khmer Rouge and is now a site of mass graves. (the Khmer Rouge attempted to stop all religious practice in Cambodia and many wats were desecrated) Also, while we were driving we passed a group of boys on bikes. They all called out hello to us- the English word every Cambodian learns at birth. But, one boy yells out "hello! you won the world cup!" Now, Grace just happened to be wearing a World Cup T-shirt so we just cracked up. Was this the only English he knew or did he see the shirt? Who knows! Then, we had lunch at a very not-touristy restaurant in our own little hut overlooking the river.

In the afternoon we headed to Wat Banan- a temple dating back about 1000 years. Cambodia has more ancient temples than any other country. We climbed 380 steps to get to the top of the 'mountain' where the temple was. I say 'mountain' because Cambodia is very, very flat and any hill qualifies as a mountain here. In fact, Phnom, as in Phnom Penh, means mountain. If you know me at all , you know it was a feat for me to make it up and down those stairs without giving into vertigo. Grace was very patient with my progress! The temple was lovely and the view was nice.

We headed back to PP on an early bus the next morning. All in all, a very wonderful trip.

Oh yes, one last haiku written by Grace and I on the first day of our trip:

Battambang haiku
we want to see bamboo trains
tin tin tin tin TIN

Idealism vs. Cynicism

A professor once warned me that after college, if you don't stay in touch with other like minded people, your idealism and goals to change the world will fade away. I'm sure this true, we were made to thrive in community. For me, the idealism vs. cynicism question is turning out to be a huge conundrum in this first year of "real life" after college. Since I came to Cambodia, I've probably spent more time following world news than ever before. I have the time and I do feel more plugged into what's going on in the rest of the world outside of my American bubble. And the news has been both inspiring and depressing with headlines about-

• The mostly peaceful overthrow of dictators in Egypt and Tunisia and widespread unrest against authoritarian governments throughout the Middle East and North Africa
• A US government that might shut down because no one can agree on a budget
• Natural disasters in Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia. . .
• Protesting in Wisconsin about labor rights
• Border clashes between Cambodia and Thailand with colonial roots
• Backlash against immigrants in Europe

And the list goes on and on. Some things have given me great hope and shown the best of what people can be. Nonviolent protests succeeding in toppling corrupt regimes. Christian protesters protecting Muslim protesters while they pray. People coming together to clean up after natural disasters. Americans being inspired by Egyptians to protect their labor unions.

Other things make me cynical- European nations tightening their immigration laws and unable to hide the racism behind this change. Cambodia and Thailand clashing over an ancient temple whose ownership is contested because of how the French drew the border lines while they were in power here. Violence overtaking Libya. The constant spend more and increase the debt or make cuts that hurt the poor battle in the US.

So I've already discovered that being an idealist is not the easiest task is this world. But here's why I don't want to give up: I have always believed we live in a fallen, broken world where crappy things happen. I have known that people hurt each other- globally and inter-personally. But, I have also seen how great people and life can be when we cast off our selfishness and cynicism and just take the risk of holding onto hope. One person's actions can't change a corrupt government or feed all the hungry and make national debt disappear-- but one person can love and encourage his or her circle of influence. One person can make decisions about resource consumption and how they live out of deep convictions. One person can choose to reach across the lines that divide us all- race, nationality, culture, class, language, power- and love the best they can through all the messiness of real relationships. Its small, but its something. I haven't perfected any of these things, but I'll spend my life figuring out how to do them.

Some days, I don't want to read the news because its just depressing. But, I still can't give up my idealism because it makes my life better and it has the chance at making others' lives better too. I'm part of a generation that is mostly sick of the overconsumption of our parents, that sees the damage the me, me, me, screw the environment, screw the poor attitude caused. So, I don't think anyone- not our elders or the newspaper- has the right to dampen our enthusiasm to live a life that means something. We may succeed in some ways, and we will fail in others, but I think we deserve the chance to try something new.

Is that enough cheesy blog post for today? I think so. Having a blog is like giving me a soap box.

(P.S. I don't know if the whole ice cream from breast milk thing goes in the encouraging or depressing news section)

Books

If you know me, you know I'm a reader. I've progressed from being in the lowest reading group in first grade to devouring at least 20 novels I year. I grew up with my parents reading to me every night and Saturday mornings spent reading in bed with my mom. As a huge extrovert, reading is the one thing I like to do alone. I've never been able to lay in the sun or just sit and listen to music, so I always have a book nearby. I read novels mainly- historical fiction, classics, books from different countries and cultures, comedy, romance. . . pretty much anything and everything. I managed to maintain this hobby even during my busiest semesters in college. So its not surprise that one of my mom's main worries about me coming to Cambodia was - what if you don't have any books to read?

Although I told her I would be fine and it was no big deal, I was very pleased to discover a huge library in the MCC office. In fact, its better than a library because its all books somebody in the last 30 years decided were worth carrying 10,000 miles across the ocean or paying for here out of a limited budget. There's literally a whole wall of books. Some of them look like they have been in the MCC office since MCC first came to Cambodia in 1979. Some were just on the NY Times Bestsellers list a year ago. To say the least, I've thrived on these books. They have kept me from being lonely and kept me balanced.

A few years ago I started writing down all the books I read (as every true book nerd does) to not reread anything, remember authors I like, and make recommendations, etc. I averaged about 25 books a year during college, not including stuff for school. Today I counted up my reads since coming to Cambodia and I'm at 34- in 6 months. You see, here I have plenty of time to read a few chapters after work, and before bed, and sometimes on my two hour lunch break if the book is really really good. So I'm happy to say, my hobby has been able to completely thrive in Cambodia- and its done just as much to keep my happy and healthy and centered as all my friends here and at home supporting me have done.

For other book people like me, out of the books I've read here and in no particular order, I recommend:
1) Moloka'i by Alan Brennert- historical fiction about the leper colony in Hawaii
2) The History of Love by Nicole Krauss- really well written and totally different than anything I have ever read
3) Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides- about a girl who discovers she is transgendered
4) A Map of Love by Ahdaf Soueif- parallel love stories in Egypt in 1900 and 1997- great glimpse at Egypt's colonial history, definitely making a political statement that applies today and somewhat prophetic because it was written pre 9/11
5) What is the What by Dave Eggers- I read this one to honor the world's newest country- South Sudan

Okay that's probably enough nerdy book post for one blog!

Coming up in March: Trips to Siem Riep, Battambang, and Pre Veng in Cambodia and vacation to Bangkok at the end of the month!

Spiritual Growing

In the past few weeks, several things have happened that have got me asking

"How am I growing spiritually here?"

First, I received an email from MCC asking me to prepare answers for a SALT yearbook I will receive at the re-entry retreat in July. The questions include things like first impression, differences between home/host cultures, future plans, new perspectives, and spiritual growth/struggles. (When I write them, I probably post those answers on here as well)

Second, I have been thinking about plans for next year and today I received a plane ticket back to the US (Leave Cambodia July 19th for re-entry retreat in PA, home on July 26). My plans for next year are completely up in the air other than the fact I want to be near home. I'm probably more okay with having an unknown future than I ever been in the past, but it does make me reflect back on this year.

Reflecting on this year with be a mammoth project but it really can't begin too much until I'm back home. All the ways this year has effected me and changed me perspective will probably echo throughout my entire life. But this question about spiritual growth has been on my mind.

For one, coming here was a leap of faith and one obviously expects to have some sort of amazing spiritual experience. You know, you're in a new place, you have to rely on God more than ever, your perspective is being challenged, etc. And its not like these things aren't true for me. Its just that. . .

. . . this has also been a year of big questions and doubts, something I never expected. From seeing the face of inequity up close and personal to questioning the western missionary format to dealing with some struggles at home, my faith has frequently been pushed to the limit. I've found it easy to question God's goodness and sovereignty when examining the Khmer Rouge years or seeing a very hungry child. I've questioned God's plan when my work has seemed inconsequential and irrelevant.

And while I've thought through these questions, I've also experienced some beautiful glimpses of God's love and His presence. I've been lonely and prayed and felt not alone anymore. I've see Cambodia Christians absolutely in love with Jesus and unafraid to speak of Him to others. I've seen resilience in the generation that survived the Khmer Rouge. I've been reminded that the truth, the real purpose of life, is in Christ. That those truths of goodness, love, reconciliation, and salvation are somehow more real, more permanent than all of the evil, suffering, and pain I have experienced and witnessed.

So in some ways, spiritually this has been a year of extremes so far. Some of these questions nothing to do with being here in Cambodia and everything to do with stepping out into the real world and adulthood. Some of them have to do with unraveling my negative self image so that I can see God's love. And all of them God seems to be answering by pulling me deeper into his arms, surrounding me with reminders. John 17:3 says

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

Eternal life isn't only pie in the sky someday, its knowing God, having a relationship. And that's what I want. So, I don't really have any conclusions, other than that I'm excited to be on this journey with Jesus, I'm willing to question because I know he's willing to listen to my grumblings, and I'm okay if my spiritual growth this year isn't typical or what I expected- I just want to build the relationship and sometimes that means both arguing and loving each other.

Hilarious Language Barrier Moment

This weekend some extra relatives came into town to stay with us. My host mom was one of them. Since she doesn't live in the city I don't see her too much. She does a great job of eking out Khmer conversations with me, speaking slowly, and laughing with me, not at me. Despite my pitiful level of Khmer, we actually have a pretty sweet relationship. Last night she told me she misses me whenever she goes back to province. Another time she told me I was like her daughter now. So on to last night's hilarity:

My host mom points at a brillant, full, harvest moon and says:
Mom: Do you have this in America?
Me: Yes, in September and October (thinking harvest moon)
Mom: Oh no, you always have it. 2 weeks of the month it gets bigger, 2 weeks a month it gets smaller.
Me: Oh yes we always have the moon, but its orange in September and October
Mom: (explains again how the moon is always there, obviously wanting to correct my ridiculous idea that the moon only exists 2 months of the year!)

So, my language skills led to tell someone America only has a moon in the fall. Great, here I am trying to overcome assumptions people have about the US and instead I'll just add another really strange one! ha ha

Perspective

Okay, so I have to admit something. . . . I'm bored of my routine here. I know that I'm in a foreign country, having new experiences, building new relationships, eating new foods. . . but oh man, its amazing how the shiny newness can wear off of life here. Its not that I'm unhappy or want to come home, in fact I know I'm not ready to come home yet and I want these 5 more months I have left here. Its more that boredom leads to homesickness which leads to frustrations over little inconveniences, which puts me in a bad mood on a Monday morning. So, taking some advice I got from another SALTer a few months ago, for you readers and for me, I'm going to make a list of all the things I will miss about life here- to remind me of what I love here and to attempt to counteract the strange mood I'm in today:

I will miss. . .

1) Travel by motorbike. Although I decided not to drive out of a quite natural fear of dying bleeding on a road somewhere. (ie scary traffic), I love riding on the back of someone's moto. Wind in your hair, plenty to see, time to think. Its great. (And yes, I suppose I am not too much safer as a passenger, but at least I don't have to think about the crazy lack of traffic rules!)

2) My host sisters. Wow, did I get blessed with an amazing host family! All 3 of my sisters are beautiful, fun, smart, funny, and always watching out for me. I had this secret fear they would get sick of me, but that totally hasn't happened. I love coming home and chatting with them all evening. I love listening to their conversations in Khmer and catching only about 30 or 40%, but still somehow being included and feeling comfortable. I love laughing about boys, watching Korean pop music videos, comparing cultures, and eating sour mangos with chili salt.

3) Speaking of mangos, I will miss the fruit. I mean, wow. Fruits we have at home like watermelon, oranges, and japanese pears- but available year round and way more delicious. Plus fruits I've never seen before like dragonfruit, rambutin, mien. . . the list goes on. Every Monday morning, I stop at the market on the way to work and buy fruit for a week of breakfasts. Its always ripe and always delicious. And mango season is coming soon!

4) Being put in charge of a big project at work like I'm someone with years of experience and skill and not a recent college grad. I like the challenge and it feels great to be trusted so much. I don't think research is my calling, but its good to have this chance to test my skills

5) Beautiful sunsets. Seriously, every night. Its amazing.

6) Being able to go away for a weekend- bus and hotel and food- for 30 bucks. That is THE BEST. In a few weeks we have the MCC retreat to Siem Riep (my 4th trip there, but it still will be fun) plus I'm looking into scheduling a long weekend in Bangkok in the near future. Hopefully that will work out.

7) Along those same lines, everything being cheap. My 70 bucks a month of play money can go a long way here. 10 dollar massages. 2 dollar T shirts. 35 cents cups of coffee. 1 dollar slices of cake. Its an easy life in that sense.

8) My MCC family. All of the expats and Khmer people here are super wonderful. There's a strong sense of community. I have people I can laugh with and people I feel safe to cry with. Its amazing that there are so many of us and we all genuinely get along.

That's all I have for this list for now. And that's nothing to turn your nose up at. Sorry if its repetitive from other blog posts. Here's a prayer for contentment and joy in the simple things of life. And a prayer for all of you at home- every season of life can be an adventure, it just depends on your perspective. I'm trying to regain mine. : )

My work lately

The past two weeks at work have been exciting and frustrating. My survey project moved forward to the translation stage. For anyone who knows anything about research, you know that writing a survey means agonizing over every word choice so as to be as unbiased and understandable as humanly possible. So after writing and revising and revising again my 2 surveys for a month, I passed them off to be translated into a language with far less precise wording than English and that I can't read. Talk about a lesson in losing control. I absolutely trust my Khmer coworker doing the translation, but this still was a moment of me saying over and over again in my head "don't freak out Nicole, it will probably work out." And honestly, that's somewhat of the Cambodian way of doing work. Go with the flow. Don't stress. Definitely the opposite of an American work environment! In the end, we went through the larger survey with the entire staff, improving the translation and getting their input. I felt really good that there seemed to be some ownership of the project within the team. People were realizing what good things could come from the information we were gathering. Tomorrow, my coworker and I will go through the translation on the shorter survey. Then, both surveys will be back translated into English so I can verify no major changes were made. The hope is to be finished with translation by the end of next week.

The other major move forward on my work project has to do with data collection. In yet another meeting all of the staff discussed various ways we could administer the surveys. But, we knew that was going to be a lot of work and very time consuming. In the end, we went with an option I hadn't even considered, hiring people to collect the data. I never expected them to spend money on my project! Now Peace Bridges is investing almost $1500 is a project I'm leading- an inexperienced, just out of college volunteer. Craziness. I feel pretty empowered by their faith in me. Best of all, all the data should be collected by mid-March, leaving plenty of time for data entry and analysis.

So my main work project is moving along nicely, even though it doesn't really consume all of time. I've picked up another project- this time doing the analysis on a qualitative project. The data was gathered in focus groups last month. The purpose of this project is for me to work side by side my Khmer coworker as he does the analysis in Khmer and I do it in English. Its a good capacity building opportunity for both of us. Plus, then I can put on my resume that I did both quantitative and qualitative work in a cross cultural setting. This project probably won't get going till March though, because I have to wait on translation. (did I mention I'm already looking forward to being back in an English speaking country? I love Cambodia, but languages barriers suck)

I also am possibly starting another side volunteer thing- hanging out in the English language lab at a big university here. So perhaps one afternoon a week I will chill out and people will come talk to me to practice their English. I have a meeting about this this afternoon so we'll see where it goes.

Side note:

Today I took a motodupe (motorbike taxi per say) with the sweetest driver. He practices English every Sunday with an American. We chatted all the way to the office.His earnestness to learn English was endearing. He said he wanted to learn because English is the language of power. So true. Until I got here, I didn't imagine how much power I have because my first language is English. I love meeting kind strangers!

A normal weekend in Phnom Penh

Some weekends I go on adventures- camp, swim, shop, see temples- but most weekends I stay at home, grateful for time to lay around and do nothing. My ability to do nothing has increased substantially in Cambodia. Maybe its because life here just happens at a slower pace and more value is placed on simply being with people or maybe I just have a lot of down time, but either way I'm enjoying being still in a new way. So here's what I did this last weekend to give you a taste of an average weekend for me:

On Friday after work I went to a Taize worship service at an international church. Then my fellow MCCers, Grace, LynAnne, Liz and I had a sleep over at MCC. We ended up staying up until 1:30 in the morning chatting about nothing and everything. It was exactly what I needed and it felt just like college.
I woke up on Saturday and chatted on skype with my parents for 2 hours. Then, I went home and had lunch with my sisters. Lazed around with them at home for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Ended the night with a conversation about how to choose the right man to marry with my oldest sister Dalis. Started planning her birthday party in a few weeks. Looks like I will be contributing an American dish and a cake : )
On Sunday I went to Khmer church with my sister Phealy. Then, we came home and sat around chatting and cooking with my other sisters. Late in the afternoon they left to visit another family member and I had the house to myself. So I read and listened to music and watched TV and generally relaxed. On Sunday night, I went to the house church I am a part of. We listened to a podcast sermon and ate together and discussed. Ended the night praying that we might know what it means to truly be worshipers. Lovely.

And this morning I woke up and came to work. A simple, lazy weekend. But I'm really grateful for that simplicity because its a sign I feel at home with my host family. At the beginning, I could never have imagined sitting at home all Saturday afternoon. Now though, I feel totally comfortable with them and in our house.

As a side note, last week was Chinese New Year and I saw dragon dancing in the street. So cool. Why don't we have a holiday that involves dancing in the street in costumes? Seriously awesome. A lot of Cambodians have some Chinese blood and most people believe in the lunar calendar so the new year is a big deal here. So happy year of the rabbit- a very lucky year in Cambodia because rabbits are the most clever animal. Lots of women want to have babies this year so their children will be smart : )

And, today is the exact halfway point of my year! Hard to believe. Somehow, its gone by slowly and quickly at the same time. I am starting to feel like coming home, but at the same time I happy to have a few more months to do life here.

Daily Life

I'm officially stealing this idea from another SALTer. So thanks, Liz.

I thought I should give you some idea of what my daily life is like. Before coming here, when I thought about friends overseas, I imagined all sorts of adventures and constantly engaging and fascinating work. Now from experience I can say that I do have adventures and my work can be interesting, but in most ways living overseas is just doing life, just like at home. So here's a glimpse at my day to day schedule.

First, I wake up around 6:40, take a cold shower (no hot water), get ready (doesn't take long with no makeup and no hairdryer!), and catch a motodupe (a motobike taxi) for 2000 riel (50 cents) to work.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I stay at MCC til lunch. Usually I check email, read the newspaper, work on MCC-related paperwork, run any errands, etc. Then I eat lunch at MCC with coworkers and head to my partner organization, Peace Bridges, after lunch. (motodupe 5000 riel or $1.25) At Peace Bridges I work on my research project. (Next week I start administering my survey!) At 5, I head home.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I still come to MCC in the morning to get breakfast, but then I head to Peace Bridges around 9. I work there all day and eat lunch with my coworkers there. I just started doing this, but I really like it. They are great people and its a great opportunity to practice my Khmer.

Usually I'm the first person home in my family. I'll watch TV or read for awhile til my youngest sister gets home from school. Then I chat with her while she makes dinner. We eat dinner sitting on the floor in the kitchen or living room, chatting and watching music videos. Some nights we watch TV all together, or sit in the kitchen and talk, or all go do our own thing, or go out to the mall or riverside. Then I head to bed around 9 or 10.

Pretty simple and routine. Most of the time I love it, but of course sometimes routine can get to you, no matter what continent you are on! I know my plan this year was to decide if I was interested in living overseas in the long term and although I already feel like I've learned a lot of lessons about living overseas, I am no where near deciding what I think about future plans. It shouldn't be a surprise that this experience creates as many questions as answers. So I guess I'll just be content living in the moment, enjoying this time.

two thoughts

So far this week, and its only Tuesday, I've spent far to significant a chunk of time reading about child abuse, rape, corruption, and drug use in Cambodia for a work project. I've also spent a chunk of time thinking about how all my friends are in a huge period of transition and how most are being overwhelmed by it on a regular basis. These two factors combined put me in a contemplative mood. So two thoughts for this week:

First, I've been amazed at the vastness of corruption in Cambodia. Anything can be done if you put money in the right person's hands. Last week, there was an article quoting the prime minister in the newspaper. He stated that Cambodia was not Tunisia and he would like to crush opposition parties completely. His exact words were something about beating them like dogs behind closed doors. Rarely do you see such an unveiled statement about the true nature of politics in this country. In Kirirom National Park, all sorts of illegal logging goes on but no one cares if they are paid off. This in a country that has lost something like 60% of its forest in the last 40 years. In schools, teachers make students pay for handouts and photocopies because they have to pay their supervisors who have to pay their supervisors all the way on to the top of the government. There are so many good things that could happen in Cambodia if this kind of corruption was eradicated! There really would be a completely free education system, the environment would be protected, votes would mean something, illegal tolls would be removed from roads that were donated. . . really a whole society would have a much better chance of developing and developing in an egalitarian manner. Its sad and frustrating, because I surely don't have any ideas about how to make that kind of change. I suppose the Cambodian people need to demand it and maybe that will happen. But it seems that the majority are quite comfortable hoping that they will someday be the ones collecting the bribes not paying them. We talk about corruption in the American system, and I'm sure its there, but its nothing like here. There is something to be said for the idea that no matter how much Americans complain about the government, most believe in the system and benefit from it. Its a huge issue and I can't really wrap my mind around it.

My second thought is about this stage in life- post college transition. Its find a job, become financially independent, figure out where you want to live, find a church, make a new circle of friends, maybe get married for some. Its a huge shift from talking about the kind of adult you want to be and actually having to live out those principles- whether it is fearlessly moving to a new city, volunteering, getting involved in a church, buying local, using the bus to help save the environment. . . a million different things. There's a zillion questions and the answer to most of them is - just wait, it will work out. And my friends and I get to face this in an economy that doesn't have good jobs for us inexperienced college grads. So we're going on to grad school, working retail, interning, volunteering- all of which continue to give life an unsettled feeling. Even here in Cambodia, I feel these things and am already anticipating them for next year. So what's the solution? Where's the end of this unsettled, transitional feeling going to come from? I don't have any answers, but the best advice I've been given is to just enjoy it. Life moves forward. Most decisions you make now will not ruin the rest of your life. You can choose to stress out about the future or you can choose to enjoy your life and friends here in the moment and hold onto hopes for the future. I'm certainly a planner, so this is somewhat against my nature! This is just one stage of life, there's no need to skip onto the next one too quick. I also know that I am sustained in this massive transition by God. Although I can't see it or touch it or put it on my calendar, He has a plan. This verse struck me this week:
Psalm 4: 6-8
⁶There are many who say, "Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!"
⁷You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.

⁸In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

We can choose to question God's goodness when our lives seem out of control or we can live in the joy he gives us- the joy that is greater than when grain and wine abound, greater than when everything is going well and is under control.

So that's two random thoughts of the week oddly put together in one blog post!

Kirirom National Park

This last weekend I headed out to Kirirom National Park with a group of friends and friends of friends from the house church I attend. Most of the group were mountain biking, but a few of us chose to hike instead. In fact, 2 of us crashed a guest house instead of in a hammock at the campsite! But it still felt like a great North American style camping trip. For one, we were a ways up a mountain so we were surrounded by pine trees. Pine trees that smell like Whitworth and home. The one night trip also included spaghetti cooked over an open fire, roasting marshmallows, a clear night with a million stars, and lots laughter with fun new people.

A little background about Kirirom- Before the Khmer Rouge this area was quite a vacation spot. Its only a two hour drive from Phnom Penh, perfect for a day trip. The king had a hot season house up on the mountain and there was a tea plantation. The Khmer Rouge took over the area early in the civil war and actually occupied it until 1992. Hard to believe. Although the KR lost power in 1979, they fought on in pockets of wilderness until 1999. We hiked up to the old palace, now all ruins. It was kind of creepy knowing that the KR destroyed the place, and were there less than 20 years ago. I found Kirirom to be something of a mysterious place. Because it has not always been a protected forest, you come across things like decaying houses and fences. In addition, plenty of illegal logging is obviously still going on. Its far to easy to put money in the right hands and then get to do whatever you want in this country. But, at least for now, Kirirom is a beautiful place and one of the more pristine I've seen in Cambodia.

On a lighter note

This morning my mom told me my last blog post was depressing. Well, its hard to make genocide a chipper topic. But, I realized I should add something on the lighter side of Cambodian life as a counterweight. So please enjoy a few fun facts, proverbs, and cultural lessons.

1) A Cambodian proverb: Just like a chili is always spicey, a woman is always jealous.

2) Cambodians eat rice with a spoon. In fact, a spoon is your main utensil. America might be a first world nation, but the fact that we try to eat rice with a fork proves we still have room to advance.

3) Cambodian delicacy: Pong Tia Koun- Literally meaning baby duck egg. This is an egg with a partially developed duck fetus inside. Developed just enough to have little crunch. I tried it with so much sauce I couldn't taste it, but I'm still not eager to try it again. Every Cambodian I know thinks these are delicious, but my American mind just can't overcome the idea of them.

4) The main form of transportation here is moto- motorbikes. Think vespa. The law says only 2 people per moto and at least the driver has to wear a helmet, but I've seen up to 4 adults or 2 adults and 3 children. I've also seen 30 dead chickens, 1 big dead pig, 3 live pigs, a book shelf, a couch, and a delivery vehicle for a pizza place. Probably the funniest part is I don't even notice these things anymore. They are so commonplace.

5) Cambodian superstition: If you get caught in a rain storm and don't take a shower right when you get home, you will get a headache. And this isn't knock on wood or a black cat- my sisters barely believed me when I said I didn't get a headache.

6) Fun language quirks: The word for pregnant literally means to have a house stomach. The word for 'to like' means to enter your heart. The word for 'milk' means water from the teat of the cow.

7) Cambodians love Angelina Jolie. She shot part of Tomb Raider here and then adopted a Cambodian baby. If that weren't enough, she also created a pretty well respected NGO here working with children who have HIV/AIDS. So in that sense, I'd say she deserves their love.

8) My sisters and I spend a good portion of every week watching music videos- Cambodian and American yes, but predominantly Korean. Korean Pop is seriously a huge deal and America is missing out. Think boy bands meet awesome special effects in music videos. Hip hop dancing is seriously becoming a global culture. Some band names: 2NE1, 2pm, Girls Generation, Super Junior, G Dragon. Being in Cambodia might be permanently altering my tastes, because I've actually developed a like/love of these bands. Oh and people do the dances to these bands' videos on the street in the evening for exercise. Come five o clock, dance groups pop up all over the city every night. Only 25 cents to join : )

9) In Sihanoukville, the main beach town, many restaurants boast happy food. Happy pizza. Happy burgers. Happy smoothies. In case you haven't already guessed, happy means a little marijuana mixed in for good measure. Only 50 cents extra. And though I ate at Happy Herb Pizza many nights on my most recent vacation, I chose to avoid the happy!

10) And finally, I don't know if its because of all the collective trauma this country has experienced or simply a natural part of their culture, but people here are resilient and always, always joking and laughing. Even when I can't follow the conversation, I"m still having a good time because everyone is cracking up half the time. From the silly to the serious to the ridiculous, Cambodia is a joy to get to know and live in.

Living in a post-genocide society

Kind of a heavy title, I admit, but it is what's on my mind. First a little background, in case you weren't born yet when it happened or haven't studied it in school.

Cambodians suffered through genocide from 1975-1979, while they were ruled by a pseudo-radical-marxist group, the Khmer Rouge. The Khmer Rouge came to power after nearly a decade of civil war that began with the overflow of the Vietnam War into Cambodia. The US secretly bombed Cambodia, attempting to cut of North Vietnamese supply routes. Bombed actually is too tame of a word. The US dropped more bombs on Cambodia then were dropped on Germany in all of WWII. And I have stood in places these bombs were dropped. The US also played a role in setting up the pre-Khmer Rouge prime minister/dictator, Lon Nol. America wanted a leader with a pro-America attitude in power.

So in 1975 the Khmer Rouge came to power in a country already heavily damaged by years of war, destroyed infrastructure, and displacement. The Khmer Rouge wanted to set Cambodia back to Year Zero and create a agriculture based Utopia. They despised the intellectual class and any one with connections to the West. On coming to power, they forcibly empty Phnom Penh and sent all Cambodians to work in the rice fields. Most people were displaced far from their home province. Their reign included mass executions of former political figures, intellectuals, the educated, minority groups, and anyone who dared contest their power or complain. Added to this were deaths from overwork and starvation. Cambodia was producing plenty of rice, but it was all getting sold outside the country. Families were split up. Children were sent to work in separate kids work crews. People were told not to trust anyone, even their relatives. The Ongka, or organization, was their only family now and it needed to be obeyed without question. Others were forced to marry strangers in mass ceremonies. All religion was wiped out. Monks were derobbed. Religious festivals canceled permanently . All in all, an attempt at the complete destruction of Khmer culture and society.

The Khmer Rouge lost power when the Vietnamese invaded and then controlled Cambodian for 10 years. To the West's great shame, in my mind, it continued to recognize the Khmer Rouge as the government of Cambodia because anything was better than communists. Seriously, what misguided politics. The Khmer Rouge fought on in the western regions of the country until an official surrender in 1999.

The legacy of this dark period of Cambodia is obviously hard to compute. Land mines. Mass trauma. Refugee exodus. Destroyed infrastructure. Loss of a generation of educated people leading to a huge void and need for capacity building. A post conflict baby boom generation that is struggling to find jobs today. Effects on the attitude about the current government. And certainly many more things.

But what led me to right this post was a visit the the genocide museum in Phnom Penh, Tuol Sleng. I have visited museums about the Cambodian genocide in the US and the Holocaust museum in DC and this place was equally moving- and made all the more real because in fact this museum is a former school that was used as a torture center from 75 to 79. During that time, in the middle of an empty Phnom Penh, 20,000 people were interrogated, tortured, and taken outside the city to be executed. Of all the people to pass through the prison, only 7 survived. In addition, nearly 20,000 children perished there along with their parents.

The museum is the cells and the torture devices and photo after photo of victims. The whole place is eerie. How much blood can one place absorb before it becomes holy ground? Of course, this place brings up old questions- why does genocide happen? how did it happen here? what evils are people capable of? As I walked through, I resigned myself to the fact that those questions don't have answers. Instead I looked at headshot after headshot thinking, I need to see them all. I need them to know I saw them, someone saw them. Many were children. Some were smiling, probably the first time they ever had their picture taken. I mean there's no simple or acceptable answer for that.

Strangely, it was a Disney song playing through my head- God Help the Outcasts from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. This is the line I thought again and again:

I thought we all were the children of God
God help the outcasts
Children of God

And I don't have more words than that.

A Khmer Wedding

Last night I attended my first Khmer wedding. Khmer weddings are an all day affair, with all the many ceremonies in the morning and a party at night. I only attended the night part, but it was a blast.

First, I must write about my outfit. Since this might be my only Khmer wedding, I decided to go all out and have something traditional made. My sisters helped me buy fabric and find a tailor. Today, girls my age would usually wear a prom type dress to the night part of a wedding. I decided to go a little more traditional, thinking that it would be more fun to have traditional clothes when I go home. Traditional clothes means a long, straight skirt and a sparkly, tight fitting top. I know, its not what you would expect. One of my sisters also took me to get my hair and makeup done- including fake eyelashes (there's a first I wasn't expecting to have this year!). Below is the result:

I have to admit that the sparklyness appeals to everything in me that loves tackiness. There simply aren't enough opportunities in America to glitter. It makes you feel like a princess! My family took about a million pictures of me. It felt like I was going to prom or something.

The wedding itself was also great. I learned how to do some traditional dancing. I also got told a million times how Khmer I looked- I take that as a real compliment! Everyone of my Khmer coworkers, not to mention strangers at the wedding, simply loved that I had made the effort to go Khmer. I even was given a rose by a complete stranger and told he wished me a happy and beautiful life. I'd say it was a full evening. It definitely qualified as one of those nights where every part of me loves everything about Cambodia.

So the verdict is Khmer weddings are awesome. Everyone is there to make it a night to remember. Khmer people know how to celebrate! I hope I get invited to a few more.

Thoughts on 2010

Even though I see my fellow Cambodia MCCers everyday, we all still seem to keep up on each other's blogs. Silly, I know, but we've got some good writers here! This blog post idea I'm stealing from Grace, the newest 3 year member of the team and my coworker at our partner, Peace Bridges.

2010 has come to a close, and it was a big year for me. I mean college graduation and moving to Cambodia- seriously how much change can one year actually contain?! So now is the time for reflection. Below you'll find some of my highlights from 2010 in no particular order:

1) Graduating from Whitworth. Concluding a great season of life with many wonderful conversations, much celebration, and a real sense of accomplishment. Those few weeks leading up to graduation are some of the best I've ever had- filled with great one on one times, group reminiscing, laughter, bittersweet goodbyes, and hope for the future. Its a wonderful thing to take time to give a season the goodbye it deserves.

2) Helping to organize and participating in a flash mob in Whitworth's cafeteria. Life goal achieved. And what better song is there than You Can't Stop the Beat from Hairspray?

3) Living in the Shalom Community Center at Whitworth. Building relationships with many lovely, caring, Christ like people. Learning what it means to love and be loved in community. Endless games of Settlers of Catan, dance parties in the kitchen, prayer times, and all around goofiness. Not to mention writing our fears and insecurities on notecards, putting them in a pinata, and watching it burn- our animal sacrifice, giving those fears up to God

4) SALT orientation. A great week in Pennsylvania meeting not only the other Cambodia SALTers, but also SALTers heading around the world. Being mutually encouraged and endlessly excited together. Feeling like part of an international MCC family. Looking at the faces of people from around the world and knowing that peace is possible, because I could see it everyone person's eyes.

5) The feeling I had as we flew into Phnom Penh after 30 hours of travel. Searching for Khmer looking architecture out the window of the plane. Trying to imagine calling this place home. The glorious anticipation of it all.

6) A farewell party in Seattle with my 5 best friends in the world. These are the people who I would walk on water for, who are an incredible support even when I am 10,000 miles away. Its amazing thing to have so many beautiful, lifelong friends. There wasn't anyone in that room I've known for less than 10 years and we're only 22.

7) The endless moments here in Phnom Penh where I realize that I have the best host family ever. It happens as we sit on the floor in the kitchen eating rice. It happens when we all go out dancing. It happens when I see them defend me when someone tries to overcharge me because I'm a foreigner. It happens when we watch Korean Pop videos for hours. It happens in all those little moments where I am so lovingly included in their day to day lives.

8) Seeing Angkor Wat and a passel of other ancient temples. They didn't make the most recent 7 Wonders of the World list, but I don't see why.

9) A trip to San Francisco over spring break with Chelsea and Amanda. Being complete tourists, almost throwing up after eating Ghiradelhi sundaes and climbing to see the crooked road, pretending to be in jail at Alcatraz, including Mee-la in the trip by buying a spatula with a smilie face on it, taking pictures with it everywhere, and tagging Mee-la on facebook. Knowing that though all our lives are changing rapidly, something in our friendship is solid no matter how much we and our different circumstances change.

10) The day I found out I was going to Cambodia. I came home from my internship to Shalom. Claire was in the hall. It was the exact moment I imagined. I screamed that I got in, everyone came out into the hall, and we danced and screamed and hugged for 15 minutes. The perfect celebration.

11) Discovering that the other 3 Cambodia SALTers would indeed by great friends. We've formed a wonderful team/family to fall back on whenever we need it. I'm blessed to have great people to share this year with.

12) My brother's wedding. Welcoming Karen into the family, plus I got to wear a pretty dress : )

13) Two day trips, just my mom and I, to the beach this last summer. A sort of bonding and farewell time walking and laughing and playing giant tic tac toe in the sand.

And that about sums it up. A good year- full of ups and downs, but good nonetheless.

Christmas and Vacation

Happy 2011 everyone!

But let me start with Christmas. I was expecting Christmas this year to be pretty depressing overall. I mean here I am 10,000 miles away from all my usual traditions. But, because my expectations were so slow, I actually had a pretty amazing time. On the weekend before Christmas, I participated in the MCC Christmas party and the Christmas service at my church. Because this is Buddhist country, Christmas isn't a day off for people, so the church just celebrates early. Believe it or not, I actually sang in front of people at my church! Not alone, but still something I would never have done before. The MCC party was fun because all my sisters came and it just felt good to see how we are a family outside of our house.

On actual Christmas Eve, I went to another MCCer's house with a few MCC people and some people from the house church I have been attending. We decorated, sang carols, and exchanged gifts. Then we slept out on their deck under mosquito nets. In the morning we had Christmas breakfast together. So lovely. At home I would never willing choose to spend Christmas not my family, but it was kind of cool to have to spend it with friends. Christmas day was spent showing Bryn, a SALTer visting from Vietnam, around Phnom Penh. And then on the 26th, we all left for a week of vacation in Sihanoukville (the beach) and Siem Riep. So my Christmas was actually pretty great. I wasn't in the holiday spirit as much as normal, but it still felt like a celebration.

Vacation was fun too. A long week of lazing around and tons of swimming. Highlights included a day of snorkeling, delicious seafood, dancing, laying on the beach and poolside, eating Mexican food (a rare thing here), and plenty of Dutch Blitz games. Spent way to much money, had a great time. I have been planning this trip since I first arrived, and its weird to have it over with. I guess I need to start planning my next major trip. Maybe Laos? Who knows.

New Years wasn't my best ever, but it was fun. There was a huge party on the street in Siem Riep, which I thought would be awesome. It turned out to be a little overwhelming- way to many people in a small space- so I called it a night soon after midnight. But it was definitely a once in a lifetime experience with good friends.

In other news, this weekend I'm attending my first Khmer wedding- a co worker at my partner organization, Peace Bridges. I'm having some traditional clothing made (I promise there will be pictures). I could have gotten away with not wearing something fancy, but I figure this could be my only wedding here, so why not go all out? Plus, I've gotta show off the outfit when I come home. I'm going to the tailor tonight for a fitting, so we'll see what happens. Dressy clothing in Cambodia is notoriously sparkly and bright, so I might end up looking like something from a Lisa Frank notebook. Oh well.